Day 599 Understand myself in what I desire!

In terms of the correction for the Judge Character where I struggled a bit with having a reaction to the email sent to me by my boss/colleague, and then my colleague and boss, both, sharing private info about me, which I reply via email –

My buddy – I understand from your blog ‘Learn Understanding’, the correction would be living and applying the word UNDERSTANDING – because it looks like this is how you applied and corrected yourself in relation to your father when facing the Judge Character. You took the time to breathe, step back, and UNDERSTAND him instead of judging him, as shown here: ‘I realize, see and understand that my longing/desire startingpoint was: ‘what I give I want to receive.’

My backchat because I’m an unplanned child, my fear was ‘that is why I do not get/receive’ confirmation that I was welcome and desired.’ I was not welcome because I forced my parents to get married. My desire was: ‘Yes, there is a Judge sitting in my head saying “this is the correct/right way YOU SHOULD deal with ME Dad, with me as a person when there is a problem Dad – you must come to me and communicate, explain yourself and allow/ask me to explain MYselves”. I realize see and understand that I act like a child – selfish, Not in solidarity, childlike, numb, without tact and understanding.

My father could not decide himself ‘start the business of his parents.’

“I know he always wanted to help others. He gave them money. People got a bed to sleep in. With his truck he transported free loads for people he knew. He trusted people. Maybe sometimes to much. Maar My parents chose to work together and were both responsible for the progress of their businesses. WatWhat I realize is that my father has had a hard life full of deprivation. Abruptly, his life was thrown in to the responsibility To arrange and organize his parents’ business and after he got sick. In addition I was an unplanned child that forced my parents to get married. My mother’s father decided that way.” 

You found UNDERSTANDING instead of judging, you placed yourself in the shoes of another and saw their reality, their actions, their limitations, their burdens, their life experience through THEIR eyes. And this was not through him coming to you and explaining himself/communicating with you face-to-face, respectfully and within a consideration of you. You  dropped the judge inside of you and got to understanding on your own.

It is like there is a Judge sitting in your head saying “this is the correct/right way to deal with a person when there is a problem – you must go to them and communicate, explain yourself and allow them to explain themselves”. In relation too this point: So you too can look at what understanding you can apply in this situation towards your boss, and how reaching this understanding would have impacted your actions from there‘, my buddy asked me too do.

And then if this does not happen, you condemn the other person in your mind like a judge would condemn a criminal with a ‘guilty’ verdict – saying “you were WRONG and you did this badly”.

The point of struggle which comes through in your words, most directly in your self-forgiveness statements in red, is that the DESIRE for understanding, respect, communication, validation and approval  within the belief that ‘this is the right/correct way to be and interact amongst adults/coworkers’ – overrode your ability to move directly to understanding for and by yourself, and so you moved instead to become the judge of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’; judging the other for not fulfilling your desire of ‘correct’ communication/interaction, instead of you moving to the correction which was stepping back, taking a breath, and applying understanding towards your boss for yourself/by yourself, as you had done towards the memories of your father. 

So you too can look at what understanding you can apply in this situation towards your boss, What understanding can I apply – and – how reaching this understanding, would have impacted your actions from there. We can discuss further in our next chat. If there is anything that is not clear here about this particular situation where you struggled to apply myself within facing the ‘judge’ character due to the desire for correct/right communication/interaction overriding you reaching a point of understanding within yourself.

UNDERSTAND him instead of judging him.

Which understanding can I apply towards my boss is understanding and compassion. I realize see and understand that I have criticism, judgment without compassion or with secret motives. The understanding with compassion before judging is that the secret I have discovered is that my boss controls and claims me, which I interpret as controlling/demanding me as my authority. That’s why he has Comments on my method of working which makes me experience his authority as bossy and demanding. He imposes his authority without dialogue and consultation, without consulting the experience of us as his colleagues. What I’m doing is that I want to manipulate his authority. I could assume the role of mediator that mediates between my role as a judge and compassion. My main wish is to Sabotage; passively aggressively undermine authority. I realize see and understand that I interpret my colleague’s behavior and therefore asked him if he enjoys undermining me, which I ubderstand as the proof of his ‘superiority’.

Understand what I desired

Cause of my understanding, the way I have interpret behavior, or situations, because of what I was feeling, this observation of my experience interpretation, became my mind memory, information I use when I meet people or situations during my daily life.

What became my mind memory was my desire for compassion and empathy. I was longing for what I need to gif first. As a living word for the understanding I was longing for I have to walk empathy or compassion as a Living example.

‘I realize, see and understand that my longing/desire startingpoint was: ‘what I give I want to receive.’ The startingpoint to understand the behavior of my father was I feelt bad, that’s why I wanted to receive positive confirmation, empathy and compassion. But, ‘what I give I want to receive’, I did not receive because instead of understanding I was longing for empathy and compassion. Instead, I was feeling and started experiencing the energy of disappointment, Critique, incomprehension and sadness.

In relation to the question: ‘how can I apply understanding, place myself into the shoes of my colleague /boss and apologize for my behavior. The apologies I was expecting/longing for/desiring As reparation, as satisfaction. So when I blame my boss it’s like I want to let him feel the suffer in the way I did. The Eye to eye tooth to tooth principle. Build a connection was my goal, through intimacy, touch, hug, embrace and friendly conversation.

I realize see and understand that I spoke with my colleague. I took the initiative to do so. I asked him if he had shared Private, which In my understanding is confidential information, about me what I told him, he talked about with people outside the prison. One of the agreements that I and my colleagues agreed on is: ‘what is discussed within the prison walls stay inside’, which implies a safety rule, which we were taught during training. During this conversation I asked my colleague. After I asked him, he told me that I falsely accused him. Then he walked away. My colleague which is a different person then our boss. I Discussed this fact with our boss. He told me that he would talk to my colleague about this. After the conversation we had I was expecting apology for the Accusation that my colleague thinks I falsely accused him. In other words, I’m a liar. What I’m saying is irrelevant, that I’m committed to the agreement not to share information with people outside of the prison is bullshit. My goal was I wanted to talk. Create understanding. I took my responsibility by talking to my colleague and boss, discussing the privacy of me. I took responsibility because I respect the agreement regarding agreements made. That is why I am surprised and shocked that my boss has not arranged a conversation in front of my colleague and I And that my colleague ran away during the conversation. In my experience, he walks away from his responsibility and does not respect my limit.

What I did

I Trust my colleague to acknowledge his responsibility by discussing an issue face to face. This is what I expect from my boss. Which they do not, both of them acknowledging a responsibility and thus forfeiting their reliability with me. Now I get to my father, he ran away too, he Ran away the coward, from the family because of my behavior. Instead of running away, he should have apologized. Which he, my boss and colleague did not.

Within my belief that this was the right decision as I child I was feeling insecure and longing for intimicy and empathy from my father, instead I was afraid for his critique and ignored my needs, I started thinking/believe I was not welcom. Then because of my decision/behaviour he did not showed me intimicy but instead I became aggression which I was experiencing as the reward of my negative feelings, behavior wherein I was longing for positive feedback which became my negative emotion, feeling the energy of Guilt.

I assumed when I felt bad, I want to get my dad to appreciate me and that he will close me in his arms, happy-go-lucky instead feeling sadness because in my experience as my belief he was undervaluing me.

The way I was thinking and believed he was treated me, was the way I start thinking as the consequence of my choice the way I accepted and allowed myself too think. This belief I stick to the choices of my colleague and boss. My fear is that their choices are directed against me and confirm my ideas about myself. The way I accusing them is my condemnedment I developed within my mind. Which constitute my decision and thinking.

Which, I realize see and understand

I Overrode my abilities.

I commit myself that I will applying understanding and compassion towards my boss as the way I would others to understand myself, as I have done towards the memories of my expectation.

Which support is crucial?

First step back and Breath. I realize see and understand that It is like there is a Judge sitting in my head saying “this is the correct/right way. Deal with a situation or person.’ Mostly I focus if there is a problem. Where I’m primary looking for is to find the problem within a situation or person. Always focus ‘I judge another.’ On my demand. On what is needed, such as being brought up during educations by educators or the system.

As said: ‘What is needed now is to stop the first impuls, as emotion, feeling, as blame which is my demand.

During childhood I was dependent of my parents care. This crucial period in Life. They mostly demanded what to do. So what I was doing was wrong. They said do wath to do, because what you are doing is differently, in our way, in accordance with our demands.

Distrust – abuse – I expect constantly – I believe – That others will harm me, hurt me or take advantage of me. It brings excessive vigilance. I am always alert and vigilant, because in my experience there can be danger at any moment: I’m thinking that someone turns on me. I’m waiting and paying attention. I have many feelings at once and my mood can just turn around. I have painful experiences with relationships. It is dangerous and predictably unpredictable in relationships. People will hurt me, betray and use me. If someone’s nice to me, I’m looking for the reason behind. In general I’m assuming people lie to me. They are nice with a purpose.

CORRECTION I realize see and understand instead of judging myself and my work when I receive criticism, I will apply understanding towards myself by reminding myself that I am doing my best in my work, I understand it will not always be perfect or meet my bosses expectations which may differ from mine. I commit myself to use criticism constructively, to learn and be clear on what my bosses expectations are so that I can work with him in such a way where we are both satisfied- for example – instead of judging my boss for not acting correctly toward me, I aplly understanding and compassion by step back and breath when I experience critique instead react. I will also take care of myself cooking daily fresh food and enough rest at night. I will also visit my familie and mother more. For now I will take care in order too the Corona agreements which are ordered by the goverment, they are made in best intrest and the security for all beings in the Netherlands now. I want to do the things I do perfectly and maybe I can access that disciplined perseverance and authority because of my military background. I will look at.

Day 597 attack

I was watching TV and felt sympathy because I experienced the energy of pity at the moment wherein someone was being publicly attacked when I was watching the Politics debate on TV. I felt pity and convinced myself what I experience is correct. I started thinking the person was attacked and I got angry because I wanted to defend/save the man from struggling. Attack, aggrieved, pity, angry, cruel, disrespectful, defensive. In this moment I realized saw and understood that I accepted and allowed myself thinking as the decision I once made: ‘I have been treated unfairly without sympathy, a disgusting way to make me doubt myselve.’ I was longing in this moment for somebody who was acting like a savior does thinking ‘I want to rid him of his plight, this insecure and helpless boy.’

I Felt/experienced Sympathy for the Minister when I saw his struggle in his eyes. I experienced ‘being aggrieved – pity as myself.’ I Reminded myself as aggrieved and pity when I was a child in an moment wherein I was struggling with my inner turmoil, that’s why in that specific moment I felt attacked ‘standing in front of a public.’ The consequence of my decision was ‘I feel attacked which became’ I’m afraid to speak in public.’ Like the minister was standing in front, when I was watching television during the debate, in front of his political colleagues, debating about the minister’s responsibility to arrange CV protective equipment to protect the doctors and nurses, What the minister realized his self as his responsibility and the need to achieve. Therefore he agreed with his colleagues.

I realize see and understand that in this moment I felt the energy of aggrieved and pity because the Politicians, they didn’t stop arguing, they did not saw the minister’s struggle, the pain and kindness in his eyes. I was thinking ‘his attackers’ behaved disrespectful and cruel, like hyenas do when they attacking their prey. They did not treated him fairly. I realize see and understand that I want to achieve that someone starts struggling (gaslighting) and when he does I reach my goal, so then I am not alone, there is someone else who feels harmed and hurt. Bye the way ‘this manipulation I did not with purpose on Advance because I had in mind to be the savior.’

Nearby words of aggrieved: aggressiveness, aggressor, a person that attacks. I realize see and understand that most people do not know that they are aggrieved as children and that it is precisely these criticisms that prevent them from respecting and protecting life.

I remember myself as a child I was longing for protection, solidarity and respect. I felt myself disadvantaged, which was my decision of doubt. Which became my Negative experiences and thereby evoked emotional turmoil of pain, disbelief, a negative mindset as a result. My thoughts told me: ‘I have been treated unfairly, my agressor must be, has to make apologies to me.’ As a child it was not possible, impossible to Express this violent emotions that were the result of my displeasure and disbelief, with fear and confusion. So I started during my search for unconditional Support and understanding to look and find someone who shows me solidarity and understanding.

I also and because I started Doubting what is correct. So I was listening to the recording about gaslighting: ‘gaslighting victims aren’t crazy, but they be made/created/manipulated crazy or insecure.’ The perception, the point of view, from the victim of gaslighting is distorted and reprogrammed.

In the moment when I saw his ministers struggling (I saw myself) As a child in front of my classmates I was struggling and felt ashamed and start crying because that’s how I thought in that moment I was publicly humiliated. I Was longing for someone was standing with me, a togetherness understanding with me, to fulfill my desire: ‘my call’, ‘my wish’, ‘my hope’ my thought: I am longing for help and understanding – I want to receive, longing for the energy of being sympathized. The crying for attention, looking for solidarity and not feel aggrieved personality was born. Looking for an understanding witness who confirms and supports me in unconditional confidence ‘in being allowed to experience what I feel and thus avoid crowding.’

I realize see and understand that I still asking for others permission, apologies that they did not showed me unconditional stand as Beingness confidence, and what is interesting is what REAL confidence actually is, requires no bravery. What I did not knew was that my teachers themselves did not wanted to harm me for a purpose. Not Seeing that everybody in the situation was ignorant and so innocent.

I realize see and understand that during this stage in my life, my mind perception created desire, blame, fear, control, manipulation with the face of smile, empathy, understanding, the desiring I social-culturele-religieus manifestation, the reflection of ‘The Made-up-I-type, for more energetic experience searching, zombie. The CV provided me my dedication. During my stay at home in my safe haven. CV shows me ‘The Made-up I, my homemade longings, I’m longing for what I want to achieve, what I’m missing, what I name as my need and when I does not get what I want then I start blaming, crying, running, drinking etc. Because the blaming tells me that I not get what I want where in that moment manupilation wakes-up. There at that moment I did not realized ‘in this moment I created my gaslighting personality.’

During my CV stay at home, and invited my Subconsciousness to be honest. So my sub-made-up-I started communicate with my conscious mind : ‘I condemned, blamed my teacher’s misunderstanding. I blamed here because she didn’t protect me, because she laughed when I felt lonely and then allowed myself to Despised her behavior. I blamed here Tactlessness ‘she did not protect me and instead she laughed ‘b…..’ I realize see and understand that I was Demanding unconditional Support from my teacher, I a way I demand from my father. Which included desire/need/expectation for positive attention. In response to my negative thoughts and feelings, I started demanding positive response and solidarity with my turmoil. Then some years later after the incident at school in front of my classmates, my mother was literally attacked in response to my actions.

Without consultation, no explanation, no arguments about the startingpoint and cause of the mind and behavior, without clarity, I could not understand that I was responsible for someone else’s behavior. Instead, I blamed my father as I blamed my teacher, I felt disappointed and fearful, I hated them and Approached them fullfilled with the energy of resentment and anger. For my mother I feelt sorry/pity/ashamed because my father had treated her shamefully.

After that violence incident Full of aggression I started thinking ‘I start attacking myself as the experience with my teacher it’s my fault I’m responsible for the abuse From my mother by my father. But the reason I longed for positive attention lies in the fact that I felt miserable, insecure and ridiculous. Before this incident took place, there was another event at school. Conclusion: because of this event I experienced the energy of feeling miserable, insecureness and being ridiculous and fear for criticism, rejection and I assumed a constant expectation I will get negative commentary. This belief did made me thinking every time I tell or ask some questions they will not take my input serieus. The thought ‘being laughed’ made me feel insecure because I experienced this as criticism/Dismissive, an attack on/against my Beingness.

Why did I not stand up for my needs as a child and how am I still living that today, even within myself. How I could have changed back then, and can I apply that change now, specific in moments wherein insecurity pops up.

I did not stand up for my needs as a child, because I was told by my parents to listen and obey the wishes of adults, to which I have adapted. ‘In that specific moment I felt attacked ‘standing in front of a public.’ The consequence of my decision was ‘I feel attacked became’ I’m afraid to speak in public.’ Like the minister was standing in front of his political colleagues, debating about the minister’s responsibility to arrange CV protective equipment to protect the doctors and nurses. So the minister realized this, and agreed to arrange the need he realized by himself as his responsibility and the need to achieve. So he agreed. They let him first speak and then his listeners started attacking him. I felt pity and now I started crying because I was alone at home. Nobody could see me cry so I did not had to feel shy to get critique or did not receive understanding and no consolation. I let my tears flow. My insecureness to not show my pity in public started at school when I was a child. I realize a memory pops up wherein I get applause and smiling singing classmates in a moment where I felt ashamed and insecure. Before this moment I was disobedient according to the teacher. That’s why I got punished. My classmates started clapping and singing. I thought I got punished for disobeying and now I get the positive respons that the people start singing and clapping and the teacher start laughing. I am not sure how people will react and what reaction I will receive in return to the way I act. So when I am Disobedience my behavior is/was/will be answered with positive attention. I am not sure I can’t rely on people how they will react. This thought makes me alert and observant. I always lived in an environment wherein I experienced insecureness. Therefore I don’t know what I really need.

Because I’m in limbo, I don’t really know what I really need. I was victim of the circumstances. I was longing for understanding, I guess. I Had no idea what was coming. My perception became the truth which is ‘my life is predictably insecure.’ In moments when I have to stand for myself, I freeze, like an animal which is injured, or I dissociate and loose contact to control, to act assertively.

On the other hand: ‘I felt pity and convinced myself what I experience is correct. I started thinking the person was attacked and I got angry because I wanted to defend/save the man from struggling.’ The man was struggling because he was attacked, then I got angry and wanted defend him and I want to rid him of his plight, I wanted to free him, save him from his hurt/pain/evil attackers, wrong approach, to limit the damage.

Additional Resources:

Destonians– Chat with people from all over the world walking the Desteni process – The Library of Existence – every question answered – Research and investigation of human consciousness/human nature

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Desteni I Process – Life Skills & Self-Mastery Course

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words