During writing this blog a rewrote my writing about compassion day 9 of my writingproces from 14 februari 2014 in which I realize and achieved respect and understanding true writing. Reach clearness through understanding about the applications in my mind.
During my youth I never had a chance to talk with my father. Therefore I created mind understanding without communication. The words, emotions, assumptions as opions in my mind became my reality, reasoning from the glasses where I looked true.
Now I am questioning myself. There also exist the no. The non understanding about my father’s specific behavior. Which I observed as my interpretation.
The main question is about my misunderstanding ‘how will my father have experienced his action when he fled away from home in the middle of the night?’
Questions I asked myself: ‘has he during his life received recognition and appreciation from his parents and family members? Was his commitment understood? How will he have felt during intense events in his life? I would liked it to Talk with him about his life experiences. Unfortunately, it never happens. Due to illness and physical pain he has suffered. That’s why I started thinking about a lot points of view which I talked about within my Mind. Questions about which and what perhaps or not caused him troubles. But I really don’t know.’
What I do know is that his father also died at a young age. My father was Sixty when he died. Suddenly, because of an accident, after falling down a stair his father died. My father was 18-year-old young man and became responsible for his parents company.
Hard work physical labor. Carrying bricks, loaded with his bare hands, transported by his truck so that bread came on the shelf and his siblings could went to study. If he then after an evening making fun and drinking beers with his friends came home, his mother made trouble about that and my father was got physically abused by her. Because she became angry of his lack of obedience after he came home too late, according to his mothers opinion. Later from his brother who told me about his hobbies making music and taking care of pigeons. How was this for him? His experiences which I never talked about with him. A conversation between father and son. Shall they have spoken as father and son about there experiences?
Later in my life after I met my father when he was driving his electric wheelchair because of a stroke and brain damage. When I was growing up, I built resistance when I thought of him. Then, saw him driving in his electric wheelchair I felt regret, sadness and pity for his limitations. My father died at a young age just like his father did. When my father had his stroke, he was as old as I am now. I also accepted my displeasure and mean thoughts about him as a child. That’s why I wanted to start the conversation with him get understanding because of the misunderstanding within my mind and body.
What is the startingpoint From the understanding of what I manifest inwardly. But I realize see and understand that this misunderstanding which I created is Following my perception of his behaviour, which exist in me as my mind application of misunderstanding, which exist as my accepted mind system, Generated from thoughts, emotions and feelings wherefore I wanted to speak with my father. In fact, I would like to ask another about his responsibilities for what I have accepted and allowed to think and experience in myself as an assumption, For which I demand clarification they give me the reason why I think what I think.
What I realizes is that I allowed myself and accepted that I fed him with annoyance and hatred. That I approached him with incomprehension in my thinking. Hij My father did his best. He’s always worked hard. The easiest way for me would be to leave my mind experience undiscussed And life as a lie. But I respect my father’s commitment to support us materially. We got food, clothing and shelter. I have also made the necessary, So I guess, missteps myself.
I know he always wanted to help others. He gave them money. People got a bed to sleep in. With his truck he transported free loads for people he knew. He trusted people. Maybe sometimes to much. Maar My parents chose to work together and were both responsible for the progress of their businesses. WatWhat I realize is that my father has had a hard life full of deprivation. Abruptly, his life was thrown in to the responsibility To arrange and organize his parents’ business and after he got sick. In addition I was an unplanned child that forced my parents to get married. My mother’s father decided that way.
By rewriting this blog, translated from Dutch into English, I realize see and understand how I have given meaning to experiences in my youth which I became aware of in relation to the judgment character I write about in lesson 6 and what I walked as a correction statement of behavior as behavior which should be Best for All Life in lesson 7.
Thus ‘I did or did not actually walked as learning moments of my life.’ The Selfforgiveness from blog 9, in Dutch, I rewrite them into English in my next blog day 578. Insights which I will compare with the blogs I wrote about the selfjudgment character. See next links:
Day 563 walking away Day 565 belittle myself Day 566 I blamed for Day 567 agitated Day 568 behave hallow not agitated Day 569 Getting Critique Day 570 I don’t matter Day 571 mind pops-up, up and up Day 572 what challenge or beliefs Day 573 be aware Day 574 How can you make me feel like that Day 575 facing gossip.