Day 578 Proud

The English idiom “don’t judge a book by its cover” is a metaphorical phrase that means one shouldn’t prejudge the worth or value of something by its outward appearance alone. I remember that I bought a car because of his look. After a short time it turned out that this was a misbuy because the car had mechanical damage. Even after I opened the bonnet where I saw a shiny engine. The flaws to this car were well hidden.

The way in which I assess the value of my inner world is also a cover. During a job application process I was asked ‘what are you proud of.’ I realize see and understand that the first thing I am Aware of is……………..oeps! Nothing pops up in my mind.

I realize see and understand that I mostly focus at and judge myself of what is wrong, what I am missing ‘the I do not have thoughts.’ I realize,see and understand that I keep my world small and safe. I never go to the center of town because when I walk through the storearea I’m unsure which people I will meet there. In my head and in my mind I experience resistance because I suppose people judge me on my lacks.

What I miss is a payed job. Yes I work 5 years as Volunteer where I support people to solve practical issues. But Mostly negative Matters. I Understand the impact of debt, unemployment and addiction. What I miss is because of my idea, in relation of the lack of money is, I have not enough money for a vacation, I have not enough money to buy a new car I have not enough money to buy new shoes. I tell the people which I support that I also have experienced ‘I do not have enough money’. Instead I tell them I did have problems in the areas, issues as Debts, unemployment and addiction myself.

I also say that this issues where or are not visible in my appearance. My outside cover shows the world, because I look friendly and I laugh, that I have no problems at all. And because I am telling the absence of money to solve my financial issues, the most important thing in our relationship is that I am honest about it. I create by telling them my experiences. So what happens what they tell me is that I create A Basis of Equality, which they appreciate the most. That they are not standing alone.

I do not have enough is the sentence in my mind. A voice in my head that condemned me ‘You’ do not have, ‘You are not good enough.’ This is my childhood accepted inner voice. My cover-up which told me frequently, on a daily base, since my youth ‘I am not good enough, I do not have enough reasons why people should like me.’

My mind perception yells at me and explains why I am not good enough. This yell repeated himself. Which became my main assumption. My inner interlocutor. My negative judgment told me ‘I am not good enough’ because ‘I do not have enough reasons why people should like me.’ I read a book about scarcity: ‘How lack of time and money determine our behavior.’ But beyond this lack of time and money there is in my case the lack of proud. My belief tells me you have lack of reasons why people should like me. I am not good enough.

I wanted to compensate my negative faith about myself With my friendly behavior. Because of my looks. With money. With sex and alcohol. By criticizing people. Blaming them for the lack of time they spent with me after I came home from school. The lack of interest and commitment to my experiences that day. My focus and point of view were not pointed to pride but lack and scarcity. Those thoughts became assumptions who defined my thinking.