Day 544 doubt because differences.

When someone Tries to places me under his terms or requirements ‘his authority‘ then I say No! A strong resistance inside me pops up. This is in contrast to When I’m experiencing ‘I am spoiled’, then my feelings are indifferent, less strong. After all, I do what I feel like. Or I don’t do what I don’t want to do.

Authority: meaning for me: on terms and conditions, not unconditional and requirements determined by others. ‘If I get pinched by someone in such a way, I create inner resistance and resentment to this person.’

But what I have to do in fact I’ve questioning myself observing when I’m spoiled or experience authority. In my previous blog I wrote about that I expect from others that they have to behave decent in my opinion and expectation.

I realize see and understand In general I have no doubt about the others but in my view I experience doubt which I manifest inwardly. Doubt about I’m not sure which direction I want to take in terms of work, living environment and relationship.

In relation to others I’m not sure what people think of me. It’s going to make me unsure. If I think what to do I don’t know how others judge me. Today a friend’s father is buried. I am sure there’s a lot of People coming to This burial. Lots of people I know.

I don’t doubt the other but respond with something in me. With something I am expecting. I do not doubt someone’s sincerity or Selfhonesty. No! The Doubt I experience is something that doesn’t fit and resonate With my expectation. I expect people to judge me negatively. When I think about this, I become indifferent and passively aggressive. The way I deal with my idea that one will judge me negatively is that I am not going to the burial. And because I’m not going to the burial, in my opinion it will give others the right to judge me negatively. And I don’t really care about that at all. I guess this is, like experience doubt also a defending mechanism. In fact, I say ” I do what I want, regardless of the feelings and needs of others. I break socially desirable rules and find that afterwards, after the end of the burial, Terrible and painful because this makes me insecure. I realize and understand that I am mainly concerned with myself and not what the other person is experiencing or will find desirable.

I’m the leader of my expectation because I don’t get what I want or need or when I get accused of something, which is as accusing already exist in my mind. I suppressed my outrage at the injustice that was done to me. Because the one who did this was older and stronger than me. At some point, I have discovered that I get a perverse benefit from victimize myself. So Maybe I’m afraid to stand up for myself or do I enjoy the compassion I receive or do I like it when others suffer! The way I suffered in the past. Many points open up.

The key question for my victim personality, whether: is it worthy giving up standing as my own strength, to not take responsibility for my own independency? Myself experiencing as sad, weak, Lonely or inferior. Or Is the opposite of my doubt about me? Feed by being angry, strong and thinking now I acting powerful because It feels like I’m finally Make it clear to others that I stand up for myself and show others Stop, Till here this is my border? When I act like this, I realize see and understand, this way can seem aggressive.

Selfhonestly Selfforgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I’m spoiled, my feelings are indifferent and Less strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experience myself as spoiled I am thinking ‘after all, I do what I feel like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I experience myself spoiled it can happen that I don’t do what I don’t want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I behave as the victim personality then I give up my own strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I give up my own strength when I act spoiled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that gave up my own strength because I did not not took responsibility for my own independency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I grew up As a victim because I’ve always learned not to fight back but to avoid conflicts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I listened to my parents ‘don’t fight’, so in my opinion I created the assumption ‘if I don’t fight, I’m avoiding conflicts.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have made the decision not to fight because then I avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have learned myself to avoid conflicts. If and when I am thinking ‘I want to avoid this conflict’, then I Stop and Breath. I realize see and understand that it is sometimes better to avoid conflicts, because it is better protect yourself if necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child I was thinking I’m not sure and feel not secure to apologize after I destroyed property from a neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I told my mother that I made Apology to the neighbor which was a lie, because of fear for the consequences I expected before I went to neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I Fought with a friend and walked away ‘crying’, and went to my mother who did nothing.

my demandingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the way I deal with my idea that one will judge me negatively is that I am not going to the burial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself because I’m not going to the burial, in my opinion it will give others the right to judge me negatively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in relation to others I’m not sure what people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I can not control others opinion about me makes me unsure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I think what to do I don’t know how others judge me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I always experience myself insecure and therefore I am experience myself uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I always experience things shall go uncomfortable ‘not smoothly’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I walk around in this world placed under the authority of the expected uncomfortable energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I resonate With my expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I expect people to judge me negatively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that When I think about this, I become indifferent and passively aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I become indifferent and passively aggressive I react hostile and hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I react hostile and hard and then push people away from me.

Will be continued.

https://desteni.org/

Dag 486 Zeven maanden afwezig.

De laatste blog die ik schreef is alweer zeven maanden geleden. In de tussentijd is er veel gebeurd. Ik heb een terugval gehad en dronk dagelijks drie liter bier. Zes halve liters. Gekoelde blikken. Die ik kocht bij de supermarkt of avondwinkel hier in de buurt.

Vorige week belande ik per toeval op een terras waar ik een bekende aantrof. Ik besloot om samen met hem een biertje te nuttigen.

De bekende vertelde op mijn vraag ‘hoe raak jij hier verzeild’ dat in het café, die middag een oktoberfeest zou plaatsvinden. ‘Daarom zit ik hier, om te zien welke mensen naar het feest komen, zo vervolgde hij met een glimlach’.

Er kwam een gedachten boven op het bier drijven, ‘voordat het feest begint moet ik hier wegwezen. Anders gaat het fout. Want ik ken mezelf. Als het gezellig wordt, dan drink ik teveel’.

Enkele momenten later verscheen er vanuit het café een serveerster in tirolerjurk. Zij liep richting het terras. Omdat er een windje waaide, zwiepte haar jurk de lucht in. Tot mijn verbazing herkende ik de vrouw. Haar had ik jaren niet gezien.

Op weg terug vanaf het terras naar het café zag zij mij zitten, nadat ik haar naam had geroepen. We raakte in gesprek en ik merkte op en benoemde dat ik haar aantrekkelijk vond. Ze lachte en keek me verleidelijk recht in mijn ogen aan.

Plotseling stak er weer een briesje op. Hierdoor werd haar jurk weer opgetild. Waardoor ik haar rode slip zag. Wouw dacht ik. ‘Geneer je maar niet riep ik uit. Want ik heb niets gezien. Haar wagen kleurden licht rood’.

Ik realiseer me dat ik onbevangen reageer op de vrouw omdat ik tegen haar zeg dat ik haar aantrekkelijk vind. Of zal het de alcohol zijn, die me uit mijn comfortzone trekt?

Wordt vervolgd.