Day 544 doubt because differences.

When someone Tries to places me under his terms or requirements ‘his authority‘ then I say No! A strong resistance inside me pops up. This is in contrast to When I’m experiencing ‘I am spoiled’, then my feelings are indifferent, less strong. After all, I do what I feel like. Or I don’t do what I don’t want to do.

Authority: meaning for me: on terms and conditions, not unconditional and requirements determined by others. ‘If I get pinched by someone in such a way, I create inner resistance and resentment to this person.’

But what I have to do in fact I’ve questioning myself observing when I’m spoiled or experience authority. In my previous blog I wrote about that I expect from others that they have to behave decent in my opinion and expectation.

I realize see and understand In general I have no doubt about the others but in my view I experience doubt which I manifest inwardly. Doubt about I’m not sure which direction I want to take in terms of work, living environment and relationship.

In relation to others I’m not sure what people think of me. It’s going to make me unsure. If I think what to do I don’t know how others judge me. Today a friend’s father is buried. I am sure there’s a lot of People coming to This burial. Lots of people I know.

I don’t doubt the other but respond with something in me. With something I am expecting. I do not doubt someone’s sincerity or Selfhonesty. No! The Doubt I experience is something that doesn’t fit and resonate With my expectation. I expect people to judge me negatively. When I think about this, I become indifferent and passively aggressive. The way I deal with my idea that one will judge me negatively is that I am not going to the burial. And because I’m not going to the burial, in my opinion it will give others the right to judge me negatively. And I don’t really care about that at all. I guess this is, like experience doubt also a defending mechanism. In fact, I say ” I do what I want, regardless of the feelings and needs of others. I break socially desirable rules and find that afterwards, after the end of the burial, Terrible and painful because this makes me insecure. I realize and understand that I am mainly concerned with myself and not what the other person is experiencing or will find desirable.

I’m the leader of my expectation because I don’t get what I want or need or when I get accused of something, which is as accusing already exist in my mind. I suppressed my outrage at the injustice that was done to me. Because the one who did this was older and stronger than me. At some point, I have discovered that I get a perverse benefit from victimize myself. So Maybe I’m afraid to stand up for myself or do I enjoy the compassion I receive or do I like it when others suffer! The way I suffered in the past. Many points open up.

The key question for my victim personality, whether: is it worthy giving up standing as my own strength, to not take responsibility for my own independency? Myself experiencing as sad, weak, Lonely or inferior. Or Is the opposite of my doubt about me? Feed by being angry, strong and thinking now I acting powerful because It feels like I’m finally Make it clear to others that I stand up for myself and show others Stop, Till here this is my border? When I act like this, I realize see and understand, this way can seem aggressive.

Selfhonestly Selfforgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I’m spoiled, my feelings are indifferent and Less strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experience myself as spoiled I am thinking ‘after all, I do what I feel like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I experience myself spoiled it can happen that I don’t do what I don’t want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I behave as the victim personality then I give up my own strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I give up my own strength when I act spoiled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that gave up my own strength because I did not not took responsibility for my own independency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I grew up As a victim because I’ve always learned not to fight back but to avoid conflicts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I listened to my parents ‘don’t fight’, so in my opinion I created the assumption ‘if I don’t fight, I’m avoiding conflicts.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have made the decision not to fight because then I avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have learned myself to avoid conflicts. If and when I am thinking ‘I want to avoid this conflict’, then I Stop and Breath. I realize see and understand that it is sometimes better to avoid conflicts, because it is better protect yourself if necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child I was thinking I’m not sure and feel not secure to apologize after I destroyed property from a neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I told my mother that I made Apology to the neighbor which was a lie, because of fear for the consequences I expected before I went to neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I Fought with a friend and walked away ‘crying’, and went to my mother who did nothing.

my demandingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the way I deal with my idea that one will judge me negatively is that I am not going to the burial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself because I’m not going to the burial, in my opinion it will give others the right to judge me negatively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in relation to others I’m not sure what people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I can not control others opinion about me makes me unsure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I think what to do I don’t know how others judge me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I always experience myself insecure and therefore I am experience myself uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I always experience things shall go uncomfortable ‘not smoothly’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I walk around in this world placed under the authority of the expected uncomfortable energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I resonate With my expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I expect people to judge me negatively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that When I think about this, I become indifferent and passively aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I become indifferent and passively aggressive I react hostile and hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I react hostile and hard and then push people away from me.

Will be continued.

https://desteni.org/

Dag 363 reading my backchats

I see, realize and understand I am longing for easeness without my expectations.

I am expecting criticism and unwilligness from people which are not prepared listen to my contribution. I am expecting they will not have attention. I expect this already before I communicate. I am thinking they wil not pay attention to my contribution. That is why I am thinking when I say something, my contribution will be doubted by their reaction. Then I think they are not interested in me as a person. They do not take me serious. Instead it would be appreciate I had received some learning feedback skills from them.

Thats why I was thinking they failed to appreciate the pressure I was under. After some years I began and start suppress my words. My words turned into mind thoughts and backchats. This/my words change into mind thoughts was directed by myself. I am still responsible for this/my switch -my words into mind thinking. I realize and understand I made this choice because I saw no other alternatives. Not because I was not benevolent, good-natured, friendly or kind for consultation and dialogue. The cause lay in my lack of constructive learning, realize, see and understanding skills.

Thus, the cause of my failure when I was a child was the unfamiliarity with those skills. Redefine, define again into Living words apply self directiveness skills which are effective and supportive. Thus, when I think people criticize me, at that moment in this time I think back to the point in the past wherein my word changed into a thought. Thus, an event in here, in this moment when you think back(chat) goes back to the meaning/memory wherein I changed my living word into my mind thoughts, because I interpreted my experience with G & D (see more have read back my previous blog) as criticism. I can not remember G & D ever told me I had to interpret their behavior and response as critical ore unwilligness. They communicate what they knew. So what I receive is my longing for attention. Thus, in a way, my way and what I communicate are my past settings and interpretations – which I blame or expect – from and on to people or my enviroment.

I had to interpret their behavior and response as critical because the only thing I was longing fore from G & D was they has to be proud at my contribution. My existance as the mind already was longing for attention and proudness. My Living words no longer exist. I already blaming G & D for not giving me their proudness. My proudness was seperate from G & D because I never told them to be proud at my contribution. So I start with my character behave being easy going, friendly and understanding. Only for one purpose – people would be proud at me because I gave them my friendly and understanding attention. So when they did not I was feeling my resistance because my longing for attention was telling me because of my words switch into mind thouhgts which I already made. It was my own choice and inner voice telling – they have critic that’s why they are unwilligness.

So I start manipulate there unwilligness into willingness bahave as a being was friendly and understanding. Laughing, relaxed and making jokes. So when I was in alignment I was attracting the people I was attracted to in the same way my mind was telling me. Such as a magnet to be equal attracts his equal magnet. So my friendly Character start acting and attracting the friendlyness and willingness into others.

When they start argue this felt like a modification of my idea what I was labeling as bother, twaddle and grizzle. After I noticed this behavior (into me) I start ignore them. I focused my research at the point – how long will you stay loyal to me, and when do you stop support me and my longing for unconditional attention. So when they stop with giving me unconditional support this was my sign into my startingpoint and decission to push him away from me. The same experience I Always and already was expecting from G & D. The recognisation from my mind thoughts onto the other I allowed and accepted myself bonding with my behave and close my window curtain invisible to the outside world.

Thus my unfullfiled longing and desire for unconditional attention from others was my decission after I interpreted the behave of G & D. I was thinking they critize me and therefore G & D are pushing me away. I realize, see and understand my decission was telling me to do so and so,

thank you…