Day 567 agitated.

For context see previous blog, day 566 I was blamed for. But after reading back yesterday’s blog and also reading back the DIP Pro lesson about the design of the fear character, I realize when ‘I am getting feedback It feels like criticism.’ I realize see and understand that I only focus at the point ‘why I failed and blame myself for not properly carry out a specific task.’

When I see someone say something that challenges my beliefs or identity, or when a person mischaracterizes or misrepresents something very important to me, my tendency is to want to immediately correct, fight back and ‘stand up’.

I have to behave properly.

This experience of critique starts and pop-up because I think that I failed. When I think I failed, then I feel agitated because of my thoughts ‘I am negligent in carrying out my work properly.’ I am agitated because the one who send me the message, does not asking me why I failed to carry out a specific task properly. I am agitated because I did my work not properly. When I am not act properly I wil receive critique. When I get feedback I experience I made a mistake. My Birth was a mistake. I was an unplanned child.

I realize see and understand that I experience the energy of getting agitated after I received feedback. After I was reading the email I sent a message back. Not to the person himself but to his Chief and my supervisor. I did this to criticize the transmitter of the email, to turn his feedback into the negative and I want to inflammatory/hallow the atmosphere.

When I think about this person watch his image in my mind then I experience anger and the idea pops up to fight with him. So when I look at this point In my mind I see a positive image because I see myself fighting this person and experience the need To physically abuse the person. Which gives me a liberating sense of satisfaction lol.

When I think of physical abuse, I experience the idea that I want to drink alcohol and at the same time I experience shame. Not because I want to consume alcohol, but because I think back at the act of physical abuse. Because I look into my mind and see the image of physical abuse and the abusers agitation because before he starts fighting, I remember he got critique from M because he critized my behavior.

In my mind my behavior was a positive action to get positive feedback from the abuser. This positive idea and positive thought to get positive feedback changed into and became negative Behavior, the abuser agitated after he got critique from M, then the abuser started abuse M physical.

I realize see and understand that The act of physical abuse is not proper. As a child I was witness of this physical abuse. The abuser was drunk. After he fineshed his aggressive action he run away. After I saw the abuser again after some weeks we never spoke about this happening and what I experienced, before and after his action of abuse. I was 12 years.

Before the abuse started In the first place My intention was to get positive feedback. So in my mind I had to behave positively to get this positive feedback. Because of my positive behavior the abuser was angry and in the same moment M was given critique to the abuser. Then the abuser who was drunk reacted agitated and physical disbehaved and abused M. After wath the abuser did, I was thinking, his behave is my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that thinking when I act not properly then I will receive critique.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I act I am/was longing for positive feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that because of my behavior which was positively charged, which became negative (feedback).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I expect when I am longing for positive feedback I receive agitated and negative feedback/behavior, such as I received from the drunk abuser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I act agitated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I act agitated which reminds me that I act the same as during the abusers action.

I realize see and understand that when I saw the behavior, the physically aggressive abuser did, I made the decision never want to be physically aggressive which I never did against a woman.

I realize see and understand that that my challenge, is to Provoke the Atack within self, my disbelief, why I has to defend myself, against a opinion of my own.

I realize see and understand I’m the owner of the idea which constitute my identity.

EQAFE

Day 565 belittle myself.

The common thread of my mind thoughts is that I have experienced myself as a problem and as unwanted in relation to certain people.

I realize that in relation to people whom I deem stronger than myself, I feel smaller, inferior and unsuitable, then I keep away from expressing my sincere wishes to the other. My actions are aimed at preventing rejection. Inwardly I experience no harmony but stress. I present myself as the tease character.

I realize that I make compliments, behave in a modified way and make sure that I give positive feedback to the other person. This acting is to mask my negative thoughts.

As a child I cannot remember that I was given an explanation and guidance on how I could deal with my frustration, fear and insecurity. I was told about fears and uncertainties not to nag and go on.

As a strategy for this nonsense, fear and frustration, led by uncertainty, I will then compliment the other person in order to be appreciated. To impress the other.

I realize that I make compliments, behave appropriately and choose to give positive feedback to the other person. This is to mask my negative and in a way cheeky thoughts.

I suppose that I am worth less and smaller than the others. Because I am not sure how the other person will respond. The other that I think is more powerful and higher in my mind. My views to which I submit and subordinate.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I make compliments, behave appropriately and choose to give positive feedback to the other person, to mask my negative thoughts.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I feel lesser, inferior and unsuitable in relation to people I consider stronger than myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that, as a result of experiencing uncertainty, I will then make compliments based on my idea to be appreciated.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I make compliments, because I realize that I adapting to my uncertainty and I choose to give positive feedback to the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give compliments to the other to mask my negative thoughts.

I forgive myself that I
accepted and allowed myself that I suppose I am lesser than the other because I am uncertain how the other will respond to my contribution.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I think that others are more powerful then and label them higher then me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I submit and subordinate myself to my opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my common thread of my mind thoughts is that I have experienced myself as a problem and as unwanted in relation to certain people.

If and when I subordinate myself an experience which prevents me from communicate with the other person, then I Stop myself and Breath.

I realize see and understand that I rate the other higher than myself. This for fear of rejection. I suppose I am not good enough and insufficient to be successful.

I set myself the goal that I will further explore my shortcomings and challenges on a daily basis and translate them into objective goals.

Common sense Development.