For context see previous blog, day 566 I was blamed for. But after reading back yesterday’s blog and also reading back the DIP Pro lesson about the design of the fear character, I realize when ‘I am getting feedback It feels like criticism.’ I realize see and understand that I only focus at the point ‘why I failed and blame myself for not properly carry out a specific task.’
When I see someone say something that challenges my beliefs or identity, or when a person mischaracterizes or misrepresents something very important to me, my tendency is to want to immediately correct, fight back and ‘stand up’.
This experience of critique starts and pop-up because I think that I failed. When I think I failed, then I feel agitated because of my thoughts ‘I am negligent in carrying out my work properly.’ I am agitated because the one who send me the message, does not asking me why I failed to carry out a specific task properly. I am agitated because I did my work not properly. When I am not act properly I wil receive critique. When I get feedback I experience I made a mistake. My Birth was a mistake. I was an unplanned child.
I realize see and understand that I experience the energy of getting agitated after I received feedback. After I was reading the email I sent a message back. Not to the person himself but to his Chief and my supervisor. I did this to criticize the transmitter of the email, to turn his feedback into the negative and I want to inflammatory/hallow the atmosphere.
When I think about this person watch his image in my mind then I experience anger and the idea pops up to fight with him. So when I look at this point In my mind I see a positive image because I see myself fighting this person and experience the need To physically abuse the person. Which gives me a liberating sense of satisfaction lol.
When I think of physical abuse, I experience the idea that I want to drink alcohol and at the same time I experience shame. Not because I want to consume alcohol, but because I think back at the act of physical abuse. Because I look into my mind and see the image of physical abuse and the abusers agitation because before he starts fighting, I remember he got critique from M because he critized my behavior.
In my mind my behavior was a positive action to get positive feedback from the abuser. This positive idea and positive thought to get positive feedback changed into and became negative Behavior, the abuser agitated after he got critique from M, then the abuser started abuse M physical.
I realize see and understand that The act of physical abuse is not proper. As a child I was witness of this physical abuse. The abuser was drunk. After he fineshed his aggressive action he run away. After I saw the abuser again after some weeks we never spoke about this happening and what I experienced, before and after his action of abuse. I was 12 years.
Before the abuse started In the first place My intention was to get positive feedback. So in my mind I had to behave positively to get this positive feedback. Because of my positive behavior the abuser was angry and in the same moment M was given critique to the abuser. Then the abuser who was drunk reacted agitated and physical disbehaved and abused M. After wath the abuser did, I was thinking, his behave is my fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that thinking when I act not properly then I will receive critique.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I act I am/was longing for positive feedback.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that because of my behavior which was positively charged, which became negative (feedback).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I expect when I am longing for positive feedback I receive agitated and negative feedback/behavior, such as I received from the drunk abuser.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I act agitated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I act agitated which reminds me that I act the same as during the abusers action.
I realize see and understand that when I saw the behavior, the physically aggressive abuser did, I made the decision never want to be physically aggressive which I never did against a woman.
I realize see and understand that that my challenge, is to Provoke the Atack within self, my disbelief, why I has to defend myself, against a opinion of my own.
I realize see and understand I’m the owner of the idea which constitute my identity.