Day 599 Understand myself in what I desire!

In terms of the correction for the Judge Character where I struggled a bit with having a reaction to the email sent to me by my boss/colleague, and then my colleague and boss, both, sharing private info about me, which I reply via email –

My buddy – I understand from your blog ‘Learn Understanding’, the correction would be living and applying the word UNDERSTANDING – because it looks like this is how you applied and corrected yourself in relation to your father when facing the Judge Character. You took the time to breathe, step back, and UNDERSTAND him instead of judging him, as shown here: ‘I realize, see and understand that my longing/desire startingpoint was: ‘what I give I want to receive.’

My backchat because I’m an unplanned child, my fear was ‘that is why I do not get/receive’ confirmation that I was welcome and desired.’ I was not welcome because I forced my parents to get married. My desire was: ‘Yes, there is a Judge sitting in my head saying “this is the correct/right way YOU SHOULD deal with ME Dad, with me as a person when there is a problem Dad – you must come to me and communicate, explain yourself and allow/ask me to explain MYselves”. I realize see and understand that I act like a child – selfish, Not in solidarity, childlike, numb, without tact and understanding.

My father could not decide himself ‘start the business of his parents.’

“I know he always wanted to help others. He gave them money. People got a bed to sleep in. With his truck he transported free loads for people he knew. He trusted people. Maybe sometimes to much. Maar My parents chose to work together and were both responsible for the progress of their businesses. WatWhat I realize is that my father has had a hard life full of deprivation. Abruptly, his life was thrown in to the responsibility To arrange and organize his parents’ business and after he got sick. In addition I was an unplanned child that forced my parents to get married. My mother’s father decided that way.” 

You found UNDERSTANDING instead of judging, you placed yourself in the shoes of another and saw their reality, their actions, their limitations, their burdens, their life experience through THEIR eyes. And this was not through him coming to you and explaining himself/communicating with you face-to-face, respectfully and within a consideration of you. You  dropped the judge inside of you and got to understanding on your own.

It is like there is a Judge sitting in your head saying “this is the correct/right way to deal with a person when there is a problem – you must go to them and communicate, explain yourself and allow them to explain themselves”. In relation too this point: So you too can look at what understanding you can apply in this situation towards your boss, and how reaching this understanding would have impacted your actions from there‘, my buddy asked me too do.

And then if this does not happen, you condemn the other person in your mind like a judge would condemn a criminal with a ‘guilty’ verdict – saying “you were WRONG and you did this badly”.

The point of struggle which comes through in your words, most directly in your self-forgiveness statements in red, is that the DESIRE for understanding, respect, communication, validation and approval  within the belief that ‘this is the right/correct way to be and interact amongst adults/coworkers’ – overrode your ability to move directly to understanding for and by yourself, and so you moved instead to become the judge of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’; judging the other for not fulfilling your desire of ‘correct’ communication/interaction, instead of you moving to the correction which was stepping back, taking a breath, and applying understanding towards your boss for yourself/by yourself, as you had done towards the memories of your father. 

So you too can look at what understanding you can apply in this situation towards your boss, What understanding can I apply – and – how reaching this understanding, would have impacted your actions from there. We can discuss further in our next chat. If there is anything that is not clear here about this particular situation where you struggled to apply myself within facing the ‘judge’ character due to the desire for correct/right communication/interaction overriding you reaching a point of understanding within yourself.

UNDERSTAND him instead of judging him.

Which understanding can I apply towards my boss is understanding and compassion. I realize see and understand that I have criticism, judgment without compassion or with secret motives. The understanding with compassion before judging is that the secret I have discovered is that my boss controls and claims me, which I interpret as controlling/demanding me as my authority. That’s why he has Comments on my method of working which makes me experience his authority as bossy and demanding. He imposes his authority without dialogue and consultation, without consulting the experience of us as his colleagues. What I’m doing is that I want to manipulate his authority. I could assume the role of mediator that mediates between my role as a judge and compassion. My main wish is to Sabotage; passively aggressively undermine authority. I realize see and understand that I interpret my colleague’s behavior and therefore asked him if he enjoys undermining me, which I ubderstand as the proof of his ‘superiority’.

Understand what I desired

Cause of my understanding, the way I have interpret behavior, or situations, because of what I was feeling, this observation of my experience interpretation, became my mind memory, information I use when I meet people or situations during my daily life.

What became my mind memory was my desire for compassion and empathy. I was longing for what I need to gif first. As a living word for the understanding I was longing for I have to walk empathy or compassion as a Living example.

‘I realize, see and understand that my longing/desire startingpoint was: ‘what I give I want to receive.’ The startingpoint to understand the behavior of my father was I feelt bad, that’s why I wanted to receive positive confirmation, empathy and compassion. But, ‘what I give I want to receive’, I did not receive because instead of understanding I was longing for empathy and compassion. Instead, I was feeling and started experiencing the energy of disappointment, Critique, incomprehension and sadness.

In relation to the question: ‘how can I apply understanding, place myself into the shoes of my colleague /boss and apologize for my behavior. The apologies I was expecting/longing for/desiring As reparation, as satisfaction. So when I blame my boss it’s like I want to let him feel the suffer in the way I did. The Eye to eye tooth to tooth principle. Build a connection was my goal, through intimacy, touch, hug, embrace and friendly conversation.

I realize see and understand that I spoke with my colleague. I took the initiative to do so. I asked him if he had shared Private, which In my understanding is confidential information, about me what I told him, he talked about with people outside the prison. One of the agreements that I and my colleagues agreed on is: ‘what is discussed within the prison walls stay inside’, which implies a safety rule, which we were taught during training. During this conversation I asked my colleague. After I asked him, he told me that I falsely accused him. Then he walked away. My colleague which is a different person then our boss. I Discussed this fact with our boss. He told me that he would talk to my colleague about this. After the conversation we had I was expecting apology for the Accusation that my colleague thinks I falsely accused him. In other words, I’m a liar. What I’m saying is irrelevant, that I’m committed to the agreement not to share information with people outside of the prison is bullshit. My goal was I wanted to talk. Create understanding. I took my responsibility by talking to my colleague and boss, discussing the privacy of me. I took responsibility because I respect the agreement regarding agreements made. That is why I am surprised and shocked that my boss has not arranged a conversation in front of my colleague and I And that my colleague ran away during the conversation. In my experience, he walks away from his responsibility and does not respect my limit.

What I did

I Trust my colleague to acknowledge his responsibility by discussing an issue face to face. This is what I expect from my boss. Which they do not, both of them acknowledging a responsibility and thus forfeiting their reliability with me. Now I get to my father, he ran away too, he Ran away the coward, from the family because of my behavior. Instead of running away, he should have apologized. Which he, my boss and colleague did not.

Within my belief that this was the right decision as I child I was feeling insecure and longing for intimicy and empathy from my father, instead I was afraid for his critique and ignored my needs, I started thinking/believe I was not welcom. Then because of my decision/behaviour he did not showed me intimicy but instead I became aggression which I was experiencing as the reward of my negative feelings, behavior wherein I was longing for positive feedback which became my negative emotion, feeling the energy of Guilt.

I assumed when I felt bad, I want to get my dad to appreciate me and that he will close me in his arms, happy-go-lucky instead feeling sadness because in my experience as my belief he was undervaluing me.

The way I was thinking and believed he was treated me, was the way I start thinking as the consequence of my choice the way I accepted and allowed myself too think. This belief I stick to the choices of my colleague and boss. My fear is that their choices are directed against me and confirm my ideas about myself. The way I accusing them is my condemnedment I developed within my mind. Which constitute my decision and thinking.

Which, I realize see and understand

I Overrode my abilities.

I commit myself that I will applying understanding and compassion towards my boss as the way I would others to understand myself, as I have done towards the memories of my expectation.

Which support is crucial?

First step back and Breath. I realize see and understand that It is like there is a Judge sitting in my head saying “this is the correct/right way. Deal with a situation or person.’ Mostly I focus if there is a problem. Where I’m primary looking for is to find the problem within a situation or person. Always focus ‘I judge another.’ On my demand. On what is needed, such as being brought up during educations by educators or the system.

As said: ‘What is needed now is to stop the first impuls, as emotion, feeling, as blame which is my demand.

During childhood I was dependent of my parents care. This crucial period in Life. They mostly demanded what to do. So what I was doing was wrong. They said do wath to do, because what you are doing is differently, in our way, in accordance with our demands.

Distrust – abuse – I expect constantly – I believe – That others will harm me, hurt me or take advantage of me. It brings excessive vigilance. I am always alert and vigilant, because in my experience there can be danger at any moment: I’m thinking that someone turns on me. I’m waiting and paying attention. I have many feelings at once and my mood can just turn around. I have painful experiences with relationships. It is dangerous and predictably unpredictable in relationships. People will hurt me, betray and use me. If someone’s nice to me, I’m looking for the reason behind. In general I’m assuming people lie to me. They are nice with a purpose.

CORRECTION I realize see and understand instead of judging myself and my work when I receive criticism, I will apply understanding towards myself by reminding myself that I am doing my best in my work, I understand it will not always be perfect or meet my bosses expectations which may differ from mine. I commit myself to use criticism constructively, to learn and be clear on what my bosses expectations are so that I can work with him in such a way where we are both satisfied- for example – instead of judging my boss for not acting correctly toward me, I aplly understanding and compassion by step back and breath when I experience critique instead react. I will also take care of myself cooking daily fresh food and enough rest at night. I will also visit my familie and mother more. For now I will take care in order too the Corona agreements which are ordered by the goverment, they are made in best intrest and the security for all beings in the Netherlands now. I want to do the things I do perfectly and maybe I can access that disciplined perseverance and authority because of my military background. I will look at.

Day 578 Proud

The English idiom “don’t judge a book by its cover” is a metaphorical phrase that means one shouldn’t prejudge the worth or value of something by its outward appearance alone. I remember that I bought a car because of his look. After a short time it turned out that this was a misbuy because the car had mechanical damage. Even after I opened the bonnet where I saw a shiny engine. The flaws to this car were well hidden.

The way in which I assess the value of my inner world is also a cover. During a job application process I was asked ‘what are you proud of.’ I realize see and understand that the first thing I am Aware of is……………..oeps! Nothing pops up in my mind.

I realize see and understand that I mostly focus at and judge myself of what is wrong, what I am missing ‘the I do not have thoughts.’ I realize,see and understand that I keep my world small and safe. I never go to the center of town because when I walk through the storearea I’m unsure which people I will meet there. In my head and in my mind I experience resistance because I suppose people judge me on my lacks.

What I miss is a payed job. Yes I work 5 years as Volunteer where I support people to solve practical issues. But Mostly negative Matters. I Understand the impact of debt, unemployment and addiction. What I miss is because of my idea, in relation of the lack of money is, I have not enough money for a vacation, I have not enough money to buy a new car I have not enough money to buy new shoes. I tell the people which I support that I also have experienced ‘I do not have enough money’. Instead I tell them I did have problems in the areas, issues as Debts, unemployment and addiction myself.

I also say that this issues where or are not visible in my appearance. My outside cover shows the world, because I look friendly and I laugh, that I have no problems at all. And because I am telling the absence of money to solve my financial issues, the most important thing in our relationship is that I am honest about it. I create by telling them my experiences. So what happens what they tell me is that I create A Basis of Equality, which they appreciate the most. That they are not standing alone.

I do not have enough is the sentence in my mind. A voice in my head that condemned me ‘You’ do not have, ‘You are not good enough.’ This is my childhood accepted inner voice. My cover-up which told me frequently, on a daily base, since my youth ‘I am not good enough, I do not have enough reasons why people should like me.’

My mind perception yells at me and explains why I am not good enough. This yell repeated himself. Which became my main assumption. My inner interlocutor. My negative judgment told me ‘I am not good enough’ because ‘I do not have enough reasons why people should like me.’ I read a book about scarcity: ‘How lack of time and money determine our behavior.’ But beyond this lack of time and money there is in my case the lack of proud. My belief tells me you have lack of reasons why people should like me. I am not good enough.

I wanted to compensate my negative faith about myself With my friendly behavior. Because of my looks. With money. With sex and alcohol. By criticizing people. Blaming them for the lack of time they spent with me after I came home from school. The lack of interest and commitment to my experiences that day. My focus and point of view were not pointed to pride but lack and scarcity. Those thoughts became assumptions who defined my thinking.