Day 569 Getting critique

Getting critique, wich means you felt you were doing it ‘right’ or correctly. But doing something right from a negative feeling, or a learned fear of rejection. From out a negative perspective.

Doing it right from out negative thoughts. I feel the negative and then start doing well. Sent by, from behind the scenes, background darkness which is manifested by the negative unrighteousness. Which accepted and allowed myself to believe.

Doing it right from out the manifested feeling bad startingpoint.

I realize see and understand that I am allergic to positivity because I have a strong accepted belief that at any moment positivity can turn into negativity.

The lights will Be obscured at any moment when evil pops I expect. Because my perception after experiencing is it will pops-up from behind a customer-friendly smile.

I also was witness from the fact that this evil was ‘directed’ by alcohol consumption. But what is the reason for this alcohol abuse? That should be the head most important question. I guess.

Don’t you think? mister D…The parenting support which mister D received He passed on. As the information of his mind. Directing myself as Living substance, as Selfhonest Beingness, that is what counts best.

When the critique which Mister D received from his parenting examples, then I understand what mister D’s innerlife mind experience was. Unfortunately mister D dies. That is what I missed most. A conversation of understanding eachother.

Do you want to be your utmost Self directing principle, open up this link.

Day 568 behave hallow not agitated.

For context see previous blog day 567 agitated. When I see someone say something that challenges my beliefs or identity, or when a person mischaracterizes or misrepresents something very important to me, my tendency is to want to immediately correct, fight back and ‘stand up’.

Therefore I have to investigate my blaming points, which exist as me because of the manifestation of the energy of anger in me.

When I expect that a person mischaracterizes or misrepresents something very important to me, then I act hallow and start prevoke other people because I realize see and understand I prevoke them because I want to gauge/sound/measure/size their respond and reactions.

The reason for ‘this nonsense behavior’ (thoughts which exist in my mind as blame) has a reason which is why I want to achieve securenes because I feel fear and insecurity because I don’t know, I feel not sure, and therefore I want to know and control how people will react. I realize see and understand that I use the words ‘this nonsense behavior’ as thoughts, as memory, as correction of my feelings that fit these thoughts.

How it began, when I became Aware, this is due to my experience with the reaction of the interlocutor (The person which I spoke with) corrected me in a moment, and moments where I was longing for understanding and support. Some kind of caricature who was listening. Because I was afraid.

But what happened was the interlocutor responded saying, with words, with intonation, with mimiek, with no sense (nonsense) of understanding, that I had to made no problems, ‘Stop it’ – Jan don’t behave like crying baby’s does.

This result of choice of the interlocutor was to communicate with/to me which sounded as the aggressive way. Such as ‘your feelings are not my problem, not my responsibility, not my business, because how dear you disturb me ‘I am busy’ and therefore I don’t have time for you.’

So my Main blame conviction became ‘as soon as you experience problems then you find out for yourself how you solve what you has to solve for your self.’ My second Assumption became ‘no one is genuinely interested in my feelings, my fear and my sorow because nobody takes time to really listen to me.’

I realize see and understand that I act hallow and agitate against others because I want to control and check the way others respond to me. I first check if they react without blame. If there face expressions are stable. If there bodylanguage is calm and without stress. Just if they behave normal lol.

What I realize see and understand is that I want to avoid my feelings wich manifest my fear which became anger, because of the insecureness and the unknown if I am welcom instead of my thoughts which always suppose that I am not wanted and That my presence, that the fact that I exist, is not appreciated, this contrary to what I’ve longing for most of my life, namely I want to be welcome.

In a way my unknowing and my thinking ‘I am not welcome’ is my blame. I blame myself, thinking that others think he is not Important and nobody understands what I feel. Which I stick to the other and stigmatize with because as my thoughts I suspect without telling others, that the other person has to understands my reasoning ‘that he/she has to understand without telling, you know, ‘the understanding empathically thing’, which creates awareness so that person is knowing without telling knows that I am experience and expext ‘I am not welcome.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I’m thinking ‘I am not welcome.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I blame myself for not being welcom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that in relation to other people I tread them out of my understanding ‘I am not welcome.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am looking for evidence during conversations with others that I am not welcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted that I am not welcome is the reason I am not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I see someone say something that challenges my beliefs or identity that I respond automatically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when a person mischaracterizes or misrepresents something very important to me then I respond automatically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I allow myself act as the tendency to want to immediately correct, fight back and ‘stand up’ automatically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have not enough investigate my blaming points, which exist in me, otherwise I would not react automatically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I act hallow because I realize see and understand that I prevoke people because I want to gauge their reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I gauge peoples reactions because I want to achieve securenes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I want to achieve securenes because I feel fear and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that that I want to know because I don’t know and therefore I want to know and control how people will react.

I realize see and understand that I act hallow and agitate others because I want to control and check the way others respond if they react without blame, stable, calm and without stress. Just if they behave normal lol.

What I realize see and understand is I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I want to avoid my feelings wich manifest my fear because of the insecureness and the unknown, the way others will react – in my mind I think possibly they don’t like me anymore when I tell them my opinion, longing or expectation.

That’s why I realize see and understand that I want others to behave like I am welcom instead of my thoughts wherein I always suppose that I am not wanted and not welcome.

In a way my unknowing and my thinking ‘I am not welcome’ is my blame. Which I stick to the other as a stigma with which I as my thoughts suspect the other person with my reasoning ‘that he/she thinks’ that I am not welcome.

Mykey shares what he realized in these situations where he felt he was being challenged and provoked into responding – and how silence, odd as it sounds, was the best solution.