Dag 363 reading my backchats

I see, realize and understand I am longing for easeness without my expectations.

I am expecting criticism and unwilligness from people which are not prepared listen to my contribution. I am expecting they will not have attention. I expect this already before I communicate. I am thinking they wil not pay attention to my contribution. That is why I am thinking when I say something, my contribution will be doubted by their reaction. Then I think they are not interested in me as a person. They do not take me serious. Instead it would be appreciate I had received some learning feedback skills from them.

Thats why I was thinking they failed to appreciate the pressure I was under. After some years I began and start suppress my words. My words turned into mind thoughts and backchats. This/my words change into mind thoughts was directed by myself. I am still responsible for this/my switch -my words into mind thinking. I realize and understand I made this choice because I saw no other alternatives. Not because I was not benevolent, good-natured, friendly or kind for consultation and dialogue. The cause lay in my lack of constructive learning, realize, see and understanding skills.

Thus, the cause of my failure when I was a child was the unfamiliarity with those skills. Redefine, define again into Living words apply self directiveness skills which are effective and supportive. Thus, when I think people criticize me, at that moment in this time I think back to the point in the past wherein my word changed into a thought. Thus, an event in here, in this moment when you think back(chat) goes back to the meaning/memory wherein I changed my living word into my mind thoughts, because I interpreted my experience with G & D (see more have read back my previous blog) as criticism. I can not remember G & D ever told me I had to interpret their behavior and response as critical ore unwilligness. They communicate what they knew. So what I receive is my longing for attention. Thus, in a way, my way and what I communicate are my past settings and interpretations – which I blame or expect – from and on to people or my enviroment.

I had to interpret their behavior and response as critical because the only thing I was longing fore from G & D was they has to be proud at my contribution. My existance as the mind already was longing for attention and proudness. My Living words no longer exist. I already blaming G & D for not giving me their proudness. My proudness was seperate from G & D because I never told them to be proud at my contribution. So I start with my character behave being easy going, friendly and understanding. Only for one purpose – people would be proud at me because I gave them my friendly and understanding attention. So when they did not I was feeling my resistance because my longing for attention was telling me because of my words switch into mind thouhgts which I already made. It was my own choice and inner voice telling – they have critic that’s why they are unwilligness.

So I start manipulate there unwilligness into willingness bahave as a being was friendly and understanding. Laughing, relaxed and making jokes. So when I was in alignment I was attracting the people I was attracted to in the same way my mind was telling me. Such as a magnet to be equal attracts his equal magnet. So my friendly Character start acting and attracting the friendlyness and willingness into others.

When they start argue this felt like a modification of my idea what I was labeling as bother, twaddle and grizzle. After I noticed this behavior (into me) I start ignore them. I focused my research at the point – how long will you stay loyal to me, and when do you stop support me and my longing for unconditional attention. So when they stop with giving me unconditional support this was my sign into my startingpoint and decission to push him away from me. The same experience I Always and already was expecting from G & D. The recognisation from my mind thoughts onto the other I allowed and accepted myself bonding with my behave and close my window curtain invisible to the outside world.

Thus my unfullfiled longing and desire for unconditional attention from others was my decission after I interpreted the behave of G & D. I was thinking they critize me and therefore G & D are pushing me away. I realize, see and understand my decission was telling me to do so and so,

thank you…

Dag 355 Avoidance turning away

Avoidance – turning away, dodging, shunning.

Dance to avoid some risk.

Today I realized something in me after I made my decission that I avoid go to an meeting appoitment. After I did this turn away behave, this realization came up.I realize, see and understand I am not happy with this turn into my mind and regret my behave. I know I realy knowing I am still learning from my journey into equility Life.

Thus after I made my walk and turn away descission an thought realization came up into my mind. I realized I keep away from doing this specific something because I am in fear. Thus I am investigate how loyal are people to themselves, the way in which they concerning and really ready giving me affection, support, understanding and listening ears after asking me why did you not show up today.

I realize, see and understand I am examine which meaning I have not go to this meeting appointment today because I am expecting something within me, longing for others will/should give me, or not, protection, reflected by my fear projection.

Because last week I had an appointment with someone else from this todays organization and therefore I am thinking I am not allowed/welcom and they do not let me go inside today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself avoid go to an appointment I made expecting I am not allowed/welcom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thinking I am not welcom in this world and reality that’s why they do not let me in and when they let me in I am still afraid for the unknowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself apply myself to my imaginary thought and image I will be denied by the doorman at my arrival after my access card which I place in front a sensor reflects green lights and today I saw this already in my mind will give me red light and after this an angry doorman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I have made my descission turning away from my responsibility go to this meeting appointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself investigate what reactions people have in response to my choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the response I am longing for is which meaning someone else attaches after I avoid going tot his appointment and being not involved to my commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself investigate others loyalty thinking shall and did they really missed my todays presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself my current behave testing other peoples reactions after I decide not go to todays appointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I justify my behavior because I want to test reactions of others whether they are impaired willing to look after my todays welfare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I test their understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself testing others whether they are concerned about my well-being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I again decided to test people’s reactions after my decision I realize, see and understandthat I gota lot of criticismofmyfather

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself my I used criticism as a motif to test others loyalty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I am still longing or/and expecting the possibility that I may or may not get criticism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I have think I may or I may not get criticism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I am thinking I may or I may not get criticism from others so I think I have to investigate them and now you see their bad reality Jan because from others I always get, because I am still thinking they give me this criticism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I give me this criticism expectation because I am also longing for their understanding and unconditional, absolute, unqualified, implicit, unconditioned support which is not subject to any negative condition/criticism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I am still expecting the negative criticism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I am still longing the positive unconditional support and understanding which is no longer charged with criticism.

When and I see myself longing the positive unconditional support and understanding from others, I stop, I breath.

When and I see myself expecting the negative criticism, I stop, I breath.

I realize, see and understand I am still involved into my own longing and my own suppressed expectations getting loyal support and understanding from others.

And thus I commit myself support others with understanding giving them the support, the directive equality Living words which I live in my Life, world and reality, not longer turning away from this direction and walk my unconditional support and understanding and I’ve decided that it’s time to stop hiding by walking my avoidance dance and want to stand for equility and oneness.

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Dag 349 Living word: Health

How to use Living words?

How I lived and after re-difined a word starts with I have allowed and accept myself I’ve give a word my specific meaning. So, redefining words is walk the process of redefining a specific word into a living word into real-Here-time when walking this specific and effective what’s best for All Life word. The focus within this exercise is opening words and identifying how I have interpreted and lived a word in my mind as my world reality.

I realize my Health proces was a journey like rafting in a Canoe ignorant and depending off the rocks and swirling water of the river. De Canoe represents the system I had to trust. The unpredictable water and waterfalls represent my fear expecting threat and not trust, my expectation, rescuers and psycologist within this system because I never ever trust predictable care which I longing for. People like me in this stage of proces, are angry and fearful because security offering helpers, this approach is unknown.

Ik realize and understand, because I walked this stage, Dip Lite offers them/me a secure environment, do the necessary walk talk (write) introspection because in this stage of the proces I was busy thrusting people. So first had to trust myself by open up in my tempo the suppressed unfulfilled fairs, expectations and desires finding reliability in my unreliable inner world. In this stage I did not need more information as usal such as people telling me what to do, give me psychological advise and speaking words I never ever heard before. Do you understand what I an telling was my biggest pitfall to overcome.

Also evualuating dictionary definitions and asks myself How I lived this word on my specific way? Is this an adequate definition after uncovering dimensions of a word that one may not have previously considered; and to ultimate use all of this information to develop an approach of how one can make the word part of self-supportive self-directing words whats best for all.

So the word  Health I walked before was already charged with energy. After my Selfhonest corrective investigation I trust myself to walk the open up nude-solution word, without polarized charged energy. Before redefining this charged word exist as me into me as energy existence into my consciousness mind battery, control navigation existence within my physical body.

Self-supportive life the word Health means I’ve first focus on the proces of redefining my meaning, longing and expectation charged words and images charged polarity energy within the word ‘Health’.

In Dutch language the word Health means gezondheid.

Gezondheid, Ge/ik wil zonder zonde, heel zijn. I want to be a being Without sin.

Zonder fouten. With out mistakes. I have to encharge the With, out of me. The with represent the mistakes I made.

Heel zijn. So the With in mistakes: I had to focus on my mistakes first. Longing want encharge my mistakes as energy out my mindsystem. I want to be – Within me aware as Equal and one awareness human being.

Zonder gebreken. Without blemish. Dus ik wil perfect zijn. So I want to be perfect.  Waardoor ik kan voorkomen, dat anderen mij niet kunnen aanspreken op mijn gebrek. So I can avoid that others recall my lack. This lack is already as lack existence With-in me as expectation not yet out, exist into me. So I see and understand my expectation is my longing. I expected the worse and most less (lest) care so in my mind bin looking the worst, not trusting the helping others. Into phychic care the trust others is the most important factor. Trust others – trusting myself, Desteni offers this en surroundings within the Dip area and buddy support. Because the Buddy’s bin there.

Because why would ore should I avoid something which not exist into me? So I want to be perfect so I can not avoid thoughts that remind me of some mind absence. So what is my mind absence into me, this presupposes my lack of mental health, telling/explain me? This ex-former-plan, which I’ve used as blame complain selfpity myself game as not perfect, with blemish, with sin, with mistakes, my Original awareness was telling me.  I want to be without the blemish, sin and mistakes which I also accepted and allowed myself as charged within me energy.

So while any idea of what I want to achieve, speak in front an audience, which I think is possitive, I think the negative that this people start laughing towards me, so I think I can not speak infront public. So I avoid the risk within my mind which thought generates my negative loaded negative emotion motivation start laugh about me which reaction reminds me I made a mistake because that’s why they start doing this and through their laugther behavior I see and understand into me the assumption present: they do not respect my vulnerability.

The first thought they abuse my vulnerability starts at moments and times when socializing was assumed. So socializing in my mind is negatively charged. Within the private family atmosphere during the Christmas dinner, dinner on Sunday as grandparents visited us the probability of threat was present into my mind expextation.

My Original health awareness was nagative charged when I was a young guy. Later at school I had a negative trauma experience with the school teacher. In my thinking I don’t trust women. I’m expecting they will harm me because I do not trust them because they do not protect me. Into my mind the lack of women trust is prominent as negatively charged suppression, running into my mind when I speak with women because I am expecting you will harm me. I distrust your smile so I focus on melancholic expression and depression which depressed the smile. I laughed to flee my depressed fair beingness.

Is this an adequate definition? Yes for this moment I realize, see and understand that I lived the word Health in my mind, it was negatively charged because I expected the negative within my understanding, charged with negative energy exist into  my consciousness mind.

I want to live without sin means my thoughts focus at the existence sin into me as negative charged thoughts. Because iff I want the positive the word sin as negative charged sense still exist into me in my mind. Towards the negative I place my investigation, not the positive Health, because first I have to Uncover the negative within me.

First I have to encharge the unhealthy sin into me. What I do at the moment I want to connect me with people I start ivestigating people reactions and drop out afterwards I have a reason supposing, they are unreliable, disloyal, not conditional concerned. In their guidance and attention they are incomplete bacause I primarily focus on lack and the negativity, as me into me, my negatively charged supposition expectation people to whom I show my vulnerability are unreliable.

So first Investigate – to ungate myself – within the safe Desteni Dip Lite surroundings, with assist and support of one own Buddy, the Destonian gatekeeper.

Dag 339 Being the target

I blamed my fathers behave and asked myself the question why he did not accept and acknowledge, in front of me, the existence, relationship and the reasons which comprise the energy of his reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wondering why my father dit not changed his behave in front of me and did not accept and acknowledge the energy of his reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself thinking I’m his target so being the target within me because I’ve accepted and allowed myself be his target is not he or she, no the images, words and thinking only concerns me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I used my question/assumption as logical theory of my mind justification, only because asking myself these question which results into blame him because experienced myself as within victimisation; which was my experience being the target of his aggressive behaviour.

I realize that I was biased in my mind where I saw as images and thoughts his verbal and physical aggression, now I understand and realized I longed for peace and predictable behavior so that I could feel safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not felt safe, I felt unsafe within this aggressive context and grim atmosphere within this existence of arguing and aggressive voice, mimicry, body language together with wild arms and legs gestures that produced sliding movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I feel unsafe when I look at someone  who displays aggressive behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I feel unsafe when I hear aggressive sounding voices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I feel unsafe when I hear aggressive sounding noises

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I feel uncertain within an grim atmosphere because I remember unconsciously the existence of arguing and aggressive voice, mimicry, body language together with wild arms and legs gestures that produced sliding movements.

I realize that I expect from the other excuse because of his behave which I compare with my unsafe memory longing simultaneously to a sense of security.

If and when I’m feel unsafe and longing simultaneously to feel a sense of security, I stop and Breathe….

If and when I’m feel unsafe, I stop and Breathe….

If and when I’m longing something within my mind as images, words and thoughts, I stop and Breathe….

If and when I’ve longing and focus on vitimization, I stop and Breathe….

I realize when I expecting some safety from another person I’m still longing for safety within me and into me I realize, see and understand I still feel insecure about the behave off other persons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not have enough courage not facing my fear by breathing and walking back through my resistance

If and when I feel resistance, I stop and Breathe.

I realize that I am responsible for the relationship of my response to behavior of others why I feel anxious as a result of their behavior because they remind me of the aspects under my fear memory provided with negatively charged energy which in my physical body is noticeable in my mouth and jaws. According to my buddy pain in jaws and mouth represents missing aspects of courage.

So I commit myself I have to investigate the presence of the inHere moments when I need more courage to stand and walke true my resistance faced with fears for example speaking in front of an audience speak out and telling them my message as part of the commitment that is associated and part of my job, training and as message which presenting oneness and equality principles such as selfhonesty, sincerity, courage, responsibility first for my own welfare and judgment free behave.

In next blogs I will elaborate on the theme of courage to face my fairs and make my own corrective commitment directing myself speaking in front of people as part of the deal in accordance myself commitment against my wich best for me and others in my oneness and equility awareness world and reality.

See you…