Dag 355 Avoidance turning away

Avoidance – turning away, dodging, shunning.

Dance to avoid some risk.

Today I realized something in me after I made my decission that I avoid go to an meeting appoitment. After I did this turn away behave, this realization came up.I realize, see and understand I am not happy with this turn into my mind and regret my behave. I know I realy knowing I am still learning from my journey into equility Life.

Thus after I made my walk and turn away descission an thought realization came up into my mind. I realized I keep away from doing this specific something because I am in fear. Thus I am investigate how loyal are people to themselves, the way in which they concerning and really ready giving me affection, support, understanding and listening ears after asking me why did you not show up today.

I realize, see and understand I am examine which meaning I have not go to this meeting appointment today because I am expecting something within me, longing for others will/should give me, or not, protection, reflected by my fear projection.

Because last week I had an appointment with someone else from this todays organization and therefore I am thinking I am not allowed/welcom and they do not let me go inside today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself avoid go to an appointment I made expecting I am not allowed/welcom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself thinking I am not welcom in this world and reality that’s why they do not let me in and when they let me in I am still afraid for the unknowing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself apply myself to my imaginary thought and image I will be denied by the doorman at my arrival after my access card which I place in front a sensor reflects green lights and today I saw this already in my mind will give me red light and after this an angry doorman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I have made my descission turning away from my responsibility go to this meeting appointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself investigate what reactions people have in response to my choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the response I am longing for is which meaning someone else attaches after I avoid going tot his appointment and being not involved to my commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself investigate others loyalty thinking shall and did they really missed my todays presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself my current behave testing other peoples reactions after I decide not go to todays appointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I justify my behavior because I want to test reactions of others whether they are impaired willing to look after my todays welfare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I test their understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself testing others whether they are concerned about my well-being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I again decided to test people’s reactions after my decision I realize, see and understandthat I gota lot of criticismofmyfather

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself my I used criticism as a motif to test others loyalty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I am still longing or/and expecting the possibility that I may or may not get criticism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I have think I may or I may not get criticism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that I am thinking I may or I may not get criticism from others so I think I have to investigate them and now you see their bad reality Jan because from others I always get, because I am still thinking they give me this criticism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I give me this criticism expectation because I am also longing for their understanding and unconditional, absolute, unqualified, implicit, unconditioned support which is not subject to any negative condition/criticism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I am still expecting the negative criticism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself I am still longing the positive unconditional support and understanding which is no longer charged with criticism.

When and I see myself longing the positive unconditional support and understanding from others, I stop, I breath.

When and I see myself expecting the negative criticism, I stop, I breath.

I realize, see and understand I am still involved into my own longing and my own suppressed expectations getting loyal support and understanding from others.

And thus I commit myself support others with understanding giving them the support, the directive equality Living words which I live in my Life, world and reality, not longer turning away from this direction and walk my unconditional support and understanding and I’ve decided that it’s time to stop hiding by walking my avoidance dance and want to stand for equility and oneness.

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Dag 290 Habitual habit’s

Habitual, a ritual, having a habit of doing, being something: So I realize I was a habitual drunkard.

I did my habit, act as an tendency do the same things, things/drinks, things sounds like drinks lol, act what was done a long time before, over and over again.

Typical achievements of the drunkard player, playing and replaying, acting as an ice cube, replays as frozen-ness, moves around in me as me, in the always changing reality in Here, wich exist as the ice cube, one will prevent, act-as physical in Here-ness, existing every breath-in and outbreath, in me as me exist as oneness and equility, exist as me as equility and oneness, whats best for all Life.

The drunkard frozen image existence first time observed saw in the cafe of my parents, looking at the alcohol drinking ritual of the café visitors combined with cigarette smoking became a fascinating ritual to me. I’m also playing billiards with them. After winning a game, my mother gave me my first beer. Proud I was celebrated my victory with few beers and smokes at the age of fourteen. So this experience of pride and victory I-related with the enjoy I saw in the eyes of visitors while smoking there smokes and drinking beers, experience became ritual meaning in my mind such as enjoying, rejoice, to be happy, to be proud of me as me in me by drinking beers and smoking smokes.My fascination drink beers and smoke cigarettes became a tought and memory and, an logical automatic behave when visisting a bar, playing biljart game, have fun and external attention and admiration from the plaudit visitors. In a way this ritual combination awareness made me stronger, stronger and more valuable within my because of this intoxication.

The ritual became my defence against critic when I was thinking that someone’s accusing me, and felt this way  when someone criticize my behave, I realize, it’s me the mind one in me, resonate with the critical voltage as me in me. The easy way,
anesthetize myself and eliminate my negative critic with alcohol and cigarettes, became a way of act. Felt negative, simply used my anesthesia as negative emotions popped-up. Later on alcohol became my friend. I used him more and more to support and assist me when felt bad. This bad sense became my addiction.

Also, to assist and support myself, in one proces of walking out of the mind and into the physical, is to start moving my attention during my day-to-day drink alcohol activities, from my mind thoughts into the physical, honest, it took some periode of time.

First I blamed my drinking and therefore I felt a shamed and because of this shame tension in myself, I felt irritation together with thoughts that I had ruined my life, I felt more irritation and also fair seclude in myself when visiting friends, So I stopt no longer seeing them, isolate myself and felt more fair.

Felt more fair because thinking around all day about the mistakes and fair, accumulate fair in me as me, and thus greater fear of the big bad world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that my bad sense became my addiction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that my bad sense befriended alcohol became a way of live as me in me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from my mind-consciousness fear system existence, and in that separation, had given it the power to take over/have control, influence, as the fair directive-principle in me as me over and of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear towards my thoughts, and in that fear, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that in accepting and allowing that very fear, to exist, I am abdicating my responsibility of being the directive principle of and as my thoughts that are, in-fact me. So as a matter of fact the fair is me as me.

So I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself exist, during a longer period, as fair, used alcohol to suppress and deny anxiety, the fair exist disappeared by the influence of alcohol, After I woke up, fear, anxiety and scare looked me in the eyes, while the existens of my mind race thoughts popping-up again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be here, in my physical, directing me as me, and taking responsibility for me as me, and my living, but have given that responsibility to my mind, to thoughts, and to energy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to use my responsibility instead allow my mind to run away from me as me as my directive physical principle, support by my friend and buddy alcohol which masked my mind influence for a night

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not releasing that relationship that I developed towards my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to directive and support my mind with drinking alcohol, assist my fear with/by the acceptance and allowence of my alcohol abuse, instead walking my fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for a long periode of time participate in the pratically physically habitual drunkard, physically exist as the mind pratically physically habitual drunkard within me as me

In next blog will explaine why it’s important see and be aware of this character….

thanks