Dag 546 prove myself.

Prove myself sounds like Things has to go and people have to behave in accordance with what I have in mind. If things go differently as I suppose in my mind, Then I can react unreasonably. And then I avoid contact with the world around me.

I realize see and understand that I Got used to the patronizing spoils of my mind expectation.

I realize see and understand that I behave harsh when things not goes decent as the way I have in mind.

I realize see and understand that Any interpretation a personally reasoned judgment is about the meaning of an/ones observation.

Selfhonestly Selfforgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am walking around with the expectation I feel uncomfortable.

For context please See previous blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking when others behave decent is comfortable and effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I behave harsh when things goes differently as expected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I manifest harshness and avoid people my social circle is getting smaller and smaller with the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in my past life I speed up so that I could prove others achieved my version of success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that in that there was impatience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I feel harshness because wanting succes went differently as expected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experience fear of not making it ‘succes’ when things goes differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experience Fear of my thoughts I do not having enough money to get there where I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I react with harshness because of my fear of being seen as failure after the succes was gone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted ‘I’m a loser after I lost the control of my succes and life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my daily author the sentence ‘I’m a loser after I lost the control of my succes and life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that thinking I’m a loser, lost the control of my succes so my life no longer has direction and no sense.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I yesterday was expecting to see my ex-wife at the funeral.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I still thinking my ex-wife will blame me again when I meet here at the funeral.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am expecting here she will act the same way as she did after we divorced when she was patronizing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am expecting she will say again to me at a patronizing way: ‘you are a loser’ then she turned here face away and smiled with a favorable look in here eyes and hate in here voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I experience I’m patronizing myself, then I Stop and Breath. I realize see and understand that I patronize myself before I went to places where I expect meeting people who will start patronizing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that in my opinion the world is thinking ‘you are a loser.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I only visit safe places where I’m sure I do not meet people which look at me and tell me whit there eys ‘hello loser’.

Knowing in theory is something different then walking commitment in here.

If and when I am thinking I’m a loser, then I Stop and Breath. I realize see and understand that I think about how others will think and behave when they meet me.

I commit myself to stop thinking for another I have to tame my thinking for another.

I commit myself that I have to tame my thinking I’m a loser.

Day 544 doubt because differences.

When someone Tries to places me under his terms or requirements ‘his authority‘ then I say No! A strong resistance inside me pops up. This is in contrast to When I’m experiencing ‘I am spoiled’, then my feelings are indifferent, less strong. After all, I do what I feel like. Or I don’t do what I don’t want to do.

Authority: meaning for me: on terms and conditions, not unconditional and requirements determined by others. ‘If I get pinched by someone in such a way, I create inner resistance and resentment to this person.’

But what I have to do in fact I’ve questioning myself observing when I’m spoiled or experience authority. In my previous blog I wrote about that I expect from others that they have to behave decent in my opinion and expectation.

I realize see and understand In general I have no doubt about the others but in my view I experience doubt which I manifest inwardly. Doubt about I’m not sure which direction I want to take in terms of work, living environment and relationship.

In relation to others I’m not sure what people think of me. It’s going to make me unsure. If I think what to do I don’t know how others judge me. Today a friend’s father is buried. I am sure there’s a lot of People coming to This burial. Lots of people I know.

I don’t doubt the other but respond with something in me. With something I am expecting. I do not doubt someone’s sincerity or Selfhonesty. No! The Doubt I experience is something that doesn’t fit and resonate With my expectation. I expect people to judge me negatively. When I think about this, I become indifferent and passively aggressive. The way I deal with my idea that one will judge me negatively is that I am not going to the burial. And because I’m not going to the burial, in my opinion it will give others the right to judge me negatively. And I don’t really care about that at all. I guess this is, like experience doubt also a defending mechanism. In fact, I say ” I do what I want, regardless of the feelings and needs of others. I break socially desirable rules and find that afterwards, after the end of the burial, Terrible and painful because this makes me insecure. I realize and understand that I am mainly concerned with myself and not what the other person is experiencing or will find desirable.

I’m the leader of my expectation because I don’t get what I want or need or when I get accused of something, which is as accusing already exist in my mind. I suppressed my outrage at the injustice that was done to me. Because the one who did this was older and stronger than me. At some point, I have discovered that I get a perverse benefit from victimize myself. So Maybe I’m afraid to stand up for myself or do I enjoy the compassion I receive or do I like it when others suffer! The way I suffered in the past. Many points open up.

The key question for my victim personality, whether: is it worthy giving up standing as my own strength, to not take responsibility for my own independency? Myself experiencing as sad, weak, Lonely or inferior. Or Is the opposite of my doubt about me? Feed by being angry, strong and thinking now I acting powerful because It feels like I’m finally Make it clear to others that I stand up for myself and show others Stop, Till here this is my border? When I act like this, I realize see and understand, this way can seem aggressive.

Selfhonestly Selfforgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I’m spoiled, my feelings are indifferent and Less strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experience myself as spoiled I am thinking ‘after all, I do what I feel like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when I experience myself spoiled it can happen that I don’t do what I don’t want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I behave as the victim personality then I give up my own strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I give up my own strength when I act spoiled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that gave up my own strength because I did not not took responsibility for my own independency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I grew up As a victim because I’ve always learned not to fight back but to avoid conflicts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I listened to my parents ‘don’t fight’, so in my opinion I created the assumption ‘if I don’t fight, I’m avoiding conflicts.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have made the decision not to fight because then I avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have learned myself to avoid conflicts. If and when I am thinking ‘I want to avoid this conflict’, then I Stop and Breath. I realize see and understand that it is sometimes better to avoid conflicts, because it is better protect yourself if necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child I was thinking I’m not sure and feel not secure to apologize after I destroyed property from a neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I told my mother that I made Apology to the neighbor which was a lie, because of fear for the consequences I expected before I went to neighbor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I Fought with a friend and walked away ‘crying’, and went to my mother who did nothing.

my demandingness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the way I deal with my idea that one will judge me negatively is that I am not going to the burial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself because I’m not going to the burial, in my opinion it will give others the right to judge me negatively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed in relation to others I’m not sure what people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I can not control others opinion about me makes me unsure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I think what to do I don’t know how others judge me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I always experience myself insecure and therefore I am experience myself uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I always experience things shall go uncomfortable ‘not smoothly’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I walk around in this world placed under the authority of the expected uncomfortable energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I resonate With my expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I expect people to judge me negatively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that When I think about this, I become indifferent and passively aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I become indifferent and passively aggressive I react hostile and hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I react hostile and hard and then push people away from me.

Will be continued.

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