Dag 514 honestly I am honest.

I commit myself to get through my defenses, the best way I know to approach such an impasse, is by writing, wherein I slow down, vulnerably and honestly look into my mind finding the starting point of manifestation. In general face the things I have problems with.

So by writing I create an honest mind because of the self forgiveness. I ask myself which truth do I find behind my accepted and allowed mind scenario’s?

Some days I participate in postponement behavior. I And than I manifest fear of the other person’s reaction. Than In general I make the decision avoiding contact with people in a specific situation, I think perhaps of their authority they will ignore me.

I realize see and understand that I participate into the Character Procrastination and its specific behavior.

And because of my accepted thoughts and mind pictures, which pops-up in my Consciousness wherein I manifest fear for the negative reaction of the other person.

Than I allow myself that I will find excuses. Such as ‘Tomorrow I will go to the dentist. Making an appointment for treatment of my teeth’. The next day I think the same.

Or, ‘Tomorrow I don’t will be going to my work – an realization pops up: I make this decision in my mind and there is the image of a can of beer -. Because I do not feel wel of the circumstances the workplace environment wherein I see my colleagues walking around, wherein I come tomorrow and because I do not know how my colleagues will react.

This because ot the situation in my mind which I already created I already have a picture which tells me ‘I know how they will react’. In contrast to the reality of tomorrow at work, the image in my mind, in which I will be viewed with unbelieving and angry eyes. But in fact I do not really know how they actually will respond. Unbelieving and angry eyes which tells me ‘you are dishonest’ tells me I stay at home. After this dishonest decision and after open up the can of beer I start drinking the beer.

I am dishonest because I fake illness, and when I tell my colleagues that I have accepted that I fakes my story, the next thought popped up in my head, because I am dishonest I will disappoint my colleagues.

My parents always told me ‘never lie’. I remember now, Instead of being honest they not always act honest. Sometimes they used a lie for goodwill. In Dutch we call it ‘een leugentje om best wil’.

Now I writing my doubts down I remember those tellings my parents told me. There story as the value of their raise me up Cornerstones. Into their methodology was the checkpoint to control my behavior ‘always be honest’. But my parents did not showed me honesty at all. The showed me the hypocriet character. The character which I participate in when thinking ‘I don’t go, I do not, going to work tomorrow and instead going to work I fake illness and a fake story.

But because I was afraid of the reactions from my parents, in moments wherein I wanted to tell the truth, I not always told where I was longing for. What I was doing after school. When I feels lonely. My fear because I was already afraid for the night’s wherein they where fighting each other. The fear of telling the truth became my Fear Character.

And therefore I am never sure if someone else is willing to tell me the truth during a relationship or communication at work. I doubt what people tell me.

I am suspicious because I have not experienced the meaning of genuine honesty. Because of the eyes of anger and the disbelief I created in my mind when I was telling something that people (I should trust) start laughing. So in moments where I had to be honest and people looked with angry eyes or start laughing I no longer felt safe. I created fear in moments wherein I had to tell the truth and wanted to be honest.

I realize see and understand that few things are worse than being caught on a lie, being known as a liar and therefore not trusted. Not trusted, not trusting myself telling the truth.

Next blog self forgiveness at this post.

Dag 492 Anger Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I experience A strong Emotional charged energy of Annoyance, Displeasure, or Hostility when I am thinking about a specific person in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself that I react with the energy of Anger.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself when I experience Anger that I allowed myself that I walk away, out of contact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself that when I walk out of contact that I also ignore other people who are not involved in this specific matter, and walk away in general, not only just when the person who triggers my Anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself that when I experience Inner Anger, that in general I push people Away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself that my experience of Anger is created by thoughts, thoughts once I allowed myself exist as memory, after interpret experiences wherein I created MY Accepted Energy of Anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself participating into the negative Anger energy, which I still creating in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself when I walk away out of contact, my strategy pops-up, partipating into the walking away and Ignoring people Character, and then see how the people I Ignore will react.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself that I investigate people’s reactions after I ignore them how they will react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself that I Ignore people, Just pretend the other one doesn’t exist, because I do not really think that I unconditional exist as a person, but only exist as a subject who fit into external value conditions, created by others, which I allowed myself to be as the expected expectations from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself that I do not just ignore the person who triggers my anger but also other people, which results that I avoid also going to my voluntering workplace, faking that I’m sick.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself that I do not feel strong enough to ignore my inner resistance that I experience in relation to this person, and not allow myself to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself that I don’t feel taken seriously by this person after I instruct him with the the common working method information, with which we work, then I think the person Just pretend I don’t exist.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself that I think the person Just pretend that I don’t exist, After I want to teach him the correct way of working.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself because I experience Anger, then react hostile after the person ask me a question, I just pretending the person does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself that I experience resistance when thinking that I will met the person again.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself thinking ‘this person is not telling me his intentions what he wants to learn.’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself thinking ‘I am not told what is the intention of my guidance when we work together.’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself thinking the treatment which the person gives me is not honest, this person is not honest in his communication, therefore I think something is not correct and I realize, see and understand now ‘then I will react with hostile’.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself  when I am thinking the person is not honest when communicating with me then I react suspicious and pull myself back out of contact.

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself when I work with this person that I experience the energy of dishonesty and then I ignore the person and just walk away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself that I experience the energy of annoyance after I am thinking the communication of this person is not open and honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself thinking the behavior of this person reflects Unfairness and hypocritical behaviour, because I think this person is dishonest and unreliable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and Allowed myself that I from other people expect that they are reliable ‘an Appointment is an Appointment’ and when people in general behave and act this way, I think that they are reliable and honest, so I can feel safe and secure, lol.

I realize see and understand I’am in general observing/testing people’s physical reactions and there behave, because I ‘am scared that they will not taken my contribution serious and because ot that, for sure, they will start laughing, which feels like they Ignore my Beingness.

The Desteni Mind Investigation proces The Gate Walk into Life What’s best for All’.

https://desteni.org/ and http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/

Thanks for Sharing Gian

https://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2019/10/a-n-g-e-r.html