A year ago I walked out of the Desteni I Pro Process without giving or telling any reason.
I did not told my Buddy anything. She was supporting me weekly and when she had other appointments she informed me and then we rescheduled our weekly chats and spoke about the lessons. She supported me with my questions. A year ago, in the period I stopped with walking the Pro, again on a daily base I started drinking alcohol. In this period with the support of my Buddy I was walking lesson seven of the DIP Pro. A couple months ago I asked Desteni to start walking proces again. Which I will from today with lesson seven of the DIP Pro.
But what I realized in the mean time, since my first request starting proces again I wrote at least 25 blogs. I realized this pattern: walking away and leaving people behind and they don’t know the reason why. I have and wants to make them apologies.
So I apologize that I walked away, after the support you gave me, without telling you anything and giving no reason at all. Because It didn’t feel bad about it. Nothing really bothers me in that period. Life, the reason why I wanted to be here on this earth. It did not any matter at all to me. So why would I had to give any reasons where I had no reasons to life for? I could only give the reason that I had no reason to life for.
In December 2019 I stopped drinking alcohol. My blood pressure was way too high. During sports lessons, my blood pressure was measured. Then my doctor examined blood and diabetes was diagnosed. I had overweight and the diabetes nurse has offered and I excepted here support to reduce weight. In 2 months time I lost 12 kilos. My blood pressure is more stable and lower. Diabetes has been reduced because my sugar levels are lower. What I’ve changed is my diet. I cook fresh vegetables every day, eat more fish and chicken and less sugars and carbohydrates. And drinking water instead alcohol. So I feel better. In addition, I move a lot on the bike and tree times a week during running.
What I also realized was that I sometimes did not speak out what was going on in my mind. I was thinking perhaps I have to act more like a sassy boy who isn’t afraid to talk back to anyone. Sometimes I noticed it’s better to first think rather then speak out or negotiate with people.
But in fact this cheeky matter also implies about my ability or willingness to understand people. That’s the issue. Walking away without telling or giving people reasons about the why walked away out of the way. Not thinking or about the willingness to understand the ones who stay behind. When D walked away from me in my life D never applied the ability and the willingness to talk with me about the why and reasoning D walked away. D did asked anything what I was feeling In the period D was gone and after D came back. Not knowing were D was. D never made any apologies that D walked away without saying anything about D’s reasons after D came home again.
So now I have to make and give my apologies that I blamed D that I hated D because D never spoke about or showed any regrets or the willingness talk about what happened. The reason that D was gone and hiding some where. I never asked D what happened that D made the decision leave me behind with questions. What about the questions D had. I never will know because D died 24 years ago.
I feel entitled to ask clarency. Is that not allowed? In My investment, which I also received from Desteni, I was consistent till a year ago. That’s why I Wright a blog about it. I only asked as a sort of negotiating about my possibilities to receive Earlier after 2 lessons instead 3 lessons a possibility. This asking was not a claim. Entitled feels like a claim ‘I want to and need where I asking for right now.’ Like a toddler does. Maybe underneath this question I want to achieve this now, perhaps there is the suppressed toddler experience. The toddler who is not seen by his environment. Not seen what he really needs. Unconditional attention and Support. The addict character is always getting what he wants right now. Sex, alcohol and porn Support.
Excuse me D. Excuse me Buddy. That I never asked D or told my Buddy what was on my mind. I realize see and understand that It’s not to late for me. The toddler and addict characters supports me to understand what my mind is telling me to do. Be honest and supportive to myself and what’s best for all is the best for me. Starts with to see what the suppressed information is telling me.