Day 597 attack

I was watching TV and felt sympathy because I experienced the energy of pity at the moment wherein someone was being publicly attacked when I was watching the Politics debate on TV. I felt pity and convinced myself what I experience is correct. I started thinking the person was attacked and I got angry because I wanted to defend/save the man from struggling. Attack, aggrieved, pity, angry, cruel, disrespectful, defensive. In this moment I realized saw and understood that I accepted and allowed myself thinking as the decision I once made: ‘I have been treated unfairly without sympathy, a disgusting way to make me doubt myselve.’ I was longing in this moment for somebody who was acting like a savior does thinking ‘I want to rid him of his plight, this insecure and helpless boy.’

I Felt/experienced Sympathy for the Minister when I saw his struggle in his eyes. I experienced ‘being aggrieved – pity as myself.’ I Reminded myself as aggrieved and pity when I was a child in an moment wherein I was struggling with my inner turmoil, that’s why in that specific moment I felt attacked ‘standing in front of a public.’ The consequence of my decision was ‘I feel attacked which became’ I’m afraid to speak in public.’ Like the minister was standing in front, when I was watching television during the debate, in front of his political colleagues, debating about the minister’s responsibility to arrange CV protective equipment to protect the doctors and nurses, What the minister realized his self as his responsibility and the need to achieve. Therefore he agreed with his colleagues.

I realize see and understand that in this moment I felt the energy of aggrieved and pity because the Politicians, they didn’t stop arguing, they did not saw the minister’s struggle, the pain and kindness in his eyes. I was thinking ‘his attackers’ behaved disrespectful and cruel, like hyenas do when they attacking their prey. They did not treated him fairly. I realize see and understand that I want to achieve that someone starts struggling (gaslighting) and when he does I reach my goal, so then I am not alone, there is someone else who feels harmed and hurt. Bye the way ‘this manipulation I did not with purpose on Advance because I had in mind to be the savior.’

Nearby words of aggrieved: aggressiveness, aggressor, a person that attacks. I realize see and understand that most people do not know that they are aggrieved as children and that it is precisely these criticisms that prevent them from respecting and protecting life.

I remember myself as a child I was longing for protection, solidarity and respect. I felt myself disadvantaged, which was my decision of doubt. Which became my Negative experiences and thereby evoked emotional turmoil of pain, disbelief, a negative mindset as a result. My thoughts told me: ‘I have been treated unfairly, my agressor must be, has to make apologies to me.’ As a child it was not possible, impossible to Express this violent emotions that were the result of my displeasure and disbelief, with fear and confusion. So I started during my search for unconditional Support and understanding to look and find someone who shows me solidarity and understanding.

I also and because I started Doubting what is correct. So I was listening to the recording about gaslighting: ‘gaslighting victims aren’t crazy, but they be made/created/manipulated crazy or insecure.’ The perception, the point of view, from the victim of gaslighting is distorted and reprogrammed.

In the moment when I saw his ministers struggling (I saw myself) As a child in front of my classmates I was struggling and felt ashamed and start crying because that’s how I thought in that moment I was publicly humiliated. I Was longing for someone was standing with me, a togetherness understanding with me, to fulfill my desire: ‘my call’, ‘my wish’, ‘my hope’ my thought: I am longing for help and understanding – I want to receive, longing for the energy of being sympathized. The crying for attention, looking for solidarity and not feel aggrieved personality was born. Looking for an understanding witness who confirms and supports me in unconditional confidence ‘in being allowed to experience what I feel and thus avoid crowding.’

I realize see and understand that I still asking for others permission, apologies that they did not showed me unconditional stand as Beingness confidence, and what is interesting is what REAL confidence actually is, requires no bravery. What I did not knew was that my teachers themselves did not wanted to harm me for a purpose. Not Seeing that everybody in the situation was ignorant and so innocent.

I realize see and understand that during this stage in my life, my mind perception created desire, blame, fear, control, manipulation with the face of smile, empathy, understanding, the desiring I social-culturele-religieus manifestation, the reflection of ‘The Made-up-I-type, for more energetic experience searching, zombie. The CV provided me my dedication. During my stay at home in my safe haven. CV shows me ‘The Made-up I, my homemade longings, I’m longing for what I want to achieve, what I’m missing, what I name as my need and when I does not get what I want then I start blaming, crying, running, drinking etc. Because the blaming tells me that I not get what I want where in that moment manupilation wakes-up. There at that moment I did not realized ‘in this moment I created my gaslighting personality.’

During my CV stay at home, and invited my Subconsciousness to be honest. So my sub-made-up-I started communicate with my conscious mind : ‘I condemned, blamed my teacher’s misunderstanding. I blamed here because she didn’t protect me, because she laughed when I felt lonely and then allowed myself to Despised her behavior. I blamed here Tactlessness ‘she did not protect me and instead she laughed ‘b…..’ I realize see and understand that I was Demanding unconditional Support from my teacher, I a way I demand from my father. Which included desire/need/expectation for positive attention. In response to my negative thoughts and feelings, I started demanding positive response and solidarity with my turmoil. Then some years later after the incident at school in front of my classmates, my mother was literally attacked in response to my actions.

Without consultation, no explanation, no arguments about the startingpoint and cause of the mind and behavior, without clarity, I could not understand that I was responsible for someone else’s behavior. Instead, I blamed my father as I blamed my teacher, I felt disappointed and fearful, I hated them and Approached them fullfilled with the energy of resentment and anger. For my mother I feelt sorry/pity/ashamed because my father had treated her shamefully.

After that violence incident Full of aggression I started thinking ‘I start attacking myself as the experience with my teacher it’s my fault I’m responsible for the abuse From my mother by my father. But the reason I longed for positive attention lies in the fact that I felt miserable, insecure and ridiculous. Before this incident took place, there was another event at school. Conclusion: because of this event I experienced the energy of feeling miserable, insecureness and being ridiculous and fear for criticism, rejection and I assumed a constant expectation I will get negative commentary. This belief did made me thinking every time I tell or ask some questions they will not take my input serieus. The thought ‘being laughed’ made me feel insecure because I experienced this as criticism/Dismissive, an attack on/against my Beingness.

Why did I not stand up for my needs as a child and how am I still living that today, even within myself. How I could have changed back then, and can I apply that change now, specific in moments wherein insecurity pops up.

I did not stand up for my needs as a child, because I was told by my parents to listen and obey the wishes of adults, to which I have adapted. ‘In that specific moment I felt attacked ‘standing in front of a public.’ The consequence of my decision was ‘I feel attacked became’ I’m afraid to speak in public.’ Like the minister was standing in front of his political colleagues, debating about the minister’s responsibility to arrange CV protective equipment to protect the doctors and nurses. So the minister realized this, and agreed to arrange the need he realized by himself as his responsibility and the need to achieve. So he agreed. They let him first speak and then his listeners started attacking him. I felt pity and now I started crying because I was alone at home. Nobody could see me cry so I did not had to feel shy to get critique or did not receive understanding and no consolation. I let my tears flow. My insecureness to not show my pity in public started at school when I was a child. I realize a memory pops up wherein I get applause and smiling singing classmates in a moment where I felt ashamed and insecure. Before this moment I was disobedient according to the teacher. That’s why I got punished. My classmates started clapping and singing. I thought I got punished for disobeying and now I get the positive respons that the people start singing and clapping and the teacher start laughing. I am not sure how people will react and what reaction I will receive in return to the way I act. So when I am Disobedience my behavior is/was/will be answered with positive attention. I am not sure I can’t rely on people how they will react. This thought makes me alert and observant. I always lived in an environment wherein I experienced insecureness. Therefore I don’t know what I really need.

Because I’m in limbo, I don’t really know what I really need. I was victim of the circumstances. I was longing for understanding, I guess. I Had no idea what was coming. My perception became the truth which is ‘my life is predictably insecure.’ In moments when I have to stand for myself, I freeze, like an animal which is injured, or I dissociate and loose contact to control, to act assertively.

On the other hand: ‘I felt pity and convinced myself what I experience is correct. I started thinking the person was attacked and I got angry because I wanted to defend/save the man from struggling.’ The man was struggling because he was attacked, then I got angry and wanted defend him and I want to rid him of his plight, I wanted to free him, save him from his hurt/pain/evil attackers, wrong approach, to limit the damage.

Additional Resources:

Destonians– Chat with people from all over the world walking the Desteni process

EQAFE.com – The Library of Existence – every question answered

Desteni.org – Research and investigation of human consciousness/human nature

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Desteni I Process – Life Skills & Self-Mastery Course

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

Dag 596 Afraid of losing when I change, what?

What do I fear when I do not follow the safety rules? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I need rules to feel safe. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that when there are rules to feel safe, what information concludes those rules? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that the information in the rules resonates with my rules And if anyone deviates from the rules I have in mind, I create the energy of judgment and desire. Keep distance Is a common cry right now. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I judge wrong when some one is not keeping distances, fear, anger, disappointment and so on. Why do people not listen to a call from others? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I ask my self this question and within it I create Disbelief which differs from my faith to which I connect the value that my faith is better. Because the call ‘keep social distance’ should we taken this serieus? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I create a thought about what Is better and wrong in a world of inequality and because of my question I create more. When I follow the rules then I am safe? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I do not only take care when I take care when I also create and manifest mind energy. When I follow the instructions my parents told me then they will like me more. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I follow my inner rules so that people will like me. So I have to please them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I please people because that’s why I follow rules to get positive Confirmation and attention. When I do not please them they will give me critique or start physical fight eachother. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I want positive feedback from out the startingpoint colored by fear and the desire to get compliments And that people give me a standing ovation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I blame as mentioned in my previous blog ‘some people never follows the given rules’ an idea Embedded in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I mention other people to do things right because in my opion they act wrong.

Think things are ideas, we develop them. We develop them to get grip at and as our reality, the things are as we think.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have ideas, which are created by the critical energy in my mind because I can gain my freedom through my mind, a freedom that’s start within the negative mind. But we must remember that these ideas are thinking things, that is, things that do not exist in reality.

Since a period of time I had pain in the calf from my left leg. I guess it’s about my Judgment, Solid judgment Which makes me stagnate in myself and in my own process because in this judgment there is also fear. Self-created fear by the rules I accept as my Prescription, as ideas which I allowed as inferiority as my idea which became rules that I need to follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am afraid of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have developed the idea that others should follow my ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself opinion which I experience as contrary thinking which is different from my idea, that I condemn this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when people act not the way I think, what I desire, then I blame it because it’s the opposite of my expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear the opposite of my thinking as desire which I experience as ‘I must lack my idea as my desire’ instead I manifest blame to justify my idea that deviates. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself I can’t see what I’m afraid. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I condemn what I fear. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I condemn What I fear. What do I fear to loose if I change? I think what I suppose is truth as my idea which differs from the idea of the other. In my opinion, my idea/desire is better. Others should follow my idea/desire as a positive choice. If others do not follow my idea/desire I experience this act as disrespectful. What I expect to receive as my idea/desire, from someone else, if my idea/desire will not received, then I experience fear, or anger, or disappointment, or Disobedience, then I condemn this.

I realize see and understand that what I expect to receive as my idea/desire, from someone else, is My idea/desire, my understanding, my creation, which I can use as information which I can use as Coordinates to use as Directive-Principle directing myself. What I distract, then desire as my idea of desire, what I distract/blame.

If and when I blame what I distract then I Stop myself and Breath. When I Stop myself I realize see and understand that what I blame exist because of my desire.

The idea of what I think is correct. If and when I am thinking what I think/desire is correct, then I Stop myself and Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that the idea of what I think is correct.