Day 597 attack

I was watching TV and felt sympathy because I experienced the energy of pity at the moment wherein someone was being publicly attacked when I was watching the Politics debate on TV. I felt pity and convinced myself what I experience is correct. I started thinking the person was attacked and I got angry because I wanted to defend/save the man from struggling. Attack, aggrieved, pity, angry, cruel, disrespectful, defensive. In this moment I realized saw and understood that I accepted and allowed myself thinking as the decision I once made: ‘I have been treated unfairly without sympathy, a disgusting way to make me doubt myselve.’ I was longing in this moment for somebody who was acting like a savior does thinking ‘I want to rid him of his plight, this insecure and helpless boy.’

I Felt/experienced Sympathy for the Minister when I saw his struggle in his eyes. I experienced ‘being aggrieved – pity as myself.’ I Reminded myself as aggrieved and pity when I was a child in an moment wherein I was struggling with my inner turmoil, that’s why in that specific moment I felt attacked ‘standing in front of a public.’ The consequence of my decision was ‘I feel attacked which became’ I’m afraid to speak in public.’ Like the minister was standing in front, when I was watching television during the debate, in front of his political colleagues, debating about the minister’s responsibility to arrange CV protective equipment to protect the doctors and nurses, What the minister realized his self as his responsibility and the need to achieve. Therefore he agreed with his colleagues.

I realize see and understand that in this moment I felt the energy of aggrieved and pity because the Politicians, they didn’t stop arguing, they did not saw the minister’s struggle, the pain and kindness in his eyes. I was thinking ‘his attackers’ behaved disrespectful and cruel, like hyenas do when they attacking their prey. They did not treated him fairly. I realize see and understand that I want to achieve that someone starts struggling (gaslighting) and when he does I reach my goal, so then I am not alone, there is someone else who feels harmed and hurt. Bye the way ‘this manipulation I did not with purpose on Advance because I had in mind to be the savior.’

Nearby words of aggrieved: aggressiveness, aggressor, a person that attacks. I realize see and understand that most people do not know that they are aggrieved as children and that it is precisely these criticisms that prevent them from respecting and protecting life.

I remember myself as a child I was longing for protection, solidarity and respect. I felt myself disadvantaged, which was my decision of doubt. Which became my Negative experiences and thereby evoked emotional turmoil of pain, disbelief, a negative mindset as a result. My thoughts told me: ‘I have been treated unfairly, my agressor must be, has to make apologies to me.’ As a child it was not possible, impossible to Express this violent emotions that were the result of my displeasure and disbelief, with fear and confusion. So I started during my search for unconditional Support and understanding to look and find someone who shows me solidarity and understanding.

I also and because I started Doubting what is correct. So I was listening to the recording about gaslighting: ‘gaslighting victims aren’t crazy, but they be made/created/manipulated crazy or insecure.’ The perception, the point of view, from the victim of gaslighting is distorted and reprogrammed.

In the moment when I saw his ministers struggling (I saw myself) As a child in front of my classmates I was struggling and felt ashamed and start crying because that’s how I thought in that moment I was publicly humiliated. I Was longing for someone was standing with me, a togetherness understanding with me, to fulfill my desire: ‘my call’, ‘my wish’, ‘my hope’ my thought: I am longing for help and understanding – I want to receive, longing for the energy of being sympathized. The crying for attention, looking for solidarity and not feel aggrieved personality was born. Looking for an understanding witness who confirms and supports me in unconditional confidence ‘in being allowed to experience what I feel and thus avoid crowding.’

I realize see and understand that I still asking for others permission, apologies that they did not showed me unconditional stand as Beingness confidence, and what is interesting is what REAL confidence actually is, requires no bravery. What I did not knew was that my teachers themselves did not wanted to harm me for a purpose. Not Seeing that everybody in the situation was ignorant and so innocent.

I realize see and understand that during this stage in my life, my mind perception created desire, blame, fear, control, manipulation with the face of smile, empathy, understanding, the desiring I social-culturele-religieus manifestation, the reflection of ‘The Made-up-I-type, for more energetic experience searching, zombie. The CV provided me my dedication. During my stay at home in my safe haven. CV shows me ‘The Made-up I, my homemade longings, I’m longing for what I want to achieve, what I’m missing, what I name as my need and when I does not get what I want then I start blaming, crying, running, drinking etc. Because the blaming tells me that I not get what I want where in that moment manupilation wakes-up. There at that moment I did not realized ‘in this moment I created my gaslighting personality.’

During my CV stay at home, and invited my Subconsciousness to be honest. So my sub-made-up-I started communicate with my conscious mind : ‘I condemned, blamed my teacher’s misunderstanding. I blamed here because she didn’t protect me, because she laughed when I felt lonely and then allowed myself to Despised her behavior. I blamed here Tactlessness ‘she did not protect me and instead she laughed ‘b…..’ I realize see and understand that I was Demanding unconditional Support from my teacher, I a way I demand from my father. Which included desire/need/expectation for positive attention. In response to my negative thoughts and feelings, I started demanding positive response and solidarity with my turmoil. Then some years later after the incident at school in front of my classmates, my mother was literally attacked in response to my actions.

Without consultation, no explanation, no arguments about the startingpoint and cause of the mind and behavior, without clarity, I could not understand that I was responsible for someone else’s behavior. Instead, I blamed my father as I blamed my teacher, I felt disappointed and fearful, I hated them and Approached them fullfilled with the energy of resentment and anger. For my mother I feelt sorry/pity/ashamed because my father had treated her shamefully.

After that violence incident Full of aggression I started thinking ‘I start attacking myself as the experience with my teacher it’s my fault I’m responsible for the abuse From my mother by my father. But the reason I longed for positive attention lies in the fact that I felt miserable, insecure and ridiculous. Before this incident took place, there was another event at school. Conclusion: because of this event I experienced the energy of feeling miserable, insecureness and being ridiculous and fear for criticism, rejection and I assumed a constant expectation I will get negative commentary. This belief did made me thinking every time I tell or ask some questions they will not take my input serieus. The thought ‘being laughed’ made me feel insecure because I experienced this as criticism/Dismissive, an attack on/against my Beingness.

Why did I not stand up for my needs as a child and how am I still living that today, even within myself. How I could have changed back then, and can I apply that change now, specific in moments wherein insecurity pops up.

I did not stand up for my needs as a child, because I was told by my parents to listen and obey the wishes of adults, to which I have adapted. ‘In that specific moment I felt attacked ‘standing in front of a public.’ The consequence of my decision was ‘I feel attacked became’ I’m afraid to speak in public.’ Like the minister was standing in front of his political colleagues, debating about the minister’s responsibility to arrange CV protective equipment to protect the doctors and nurses. So the minister realized this, and agreed to arrange the need he realized by himself as his responsibility and the need to achieve. So he agreed. They let him first speak and then his listeners started attacking him. I felt pity and now I started crying because I was alone at home. Nobody could see me cry so I did not had to feel shy to get critique or did not receive understanding and no consolation. I let my tears flow. My insecureness to not show my pity in public started at school when I was a child. I realize a memory pops up wherein I get applause and smiling singing classmates in a moment where I felt ashamed and insecure. Before this moment I was disobedient according to the teacher. That’s why I got punished. My classmates started clapping and singing. I thought I got punished for disobeying and now I get the positive respons that the people start singing and clapping and the teacher start laughing. I am not sure how people will react and what reaction I will receive in return to the way I act. So when I am Disobedience my behavior is/was/will be answered with positive attention. I am not sure I can’t rely on people how they will react. This thought makes me alert and observant. I always lived in an environment wherein I experienced insecureness. Therefore I don’t know what I really need.

Because I’m in limbo, I don’t really know what I really need. I was victim of the circumstances. I was longing for understanding, I guess. I Had no idea what was coming. My perception became the truth which is ‘my life is predictably insecure.’ In moments when I have to stand for myself, I freeze, like an animal which is injured, or I dissociate and loose contact to control, to act assertively.

On the other hand: ‘I felt pity and convinced myself what I experience is correct. I started thinking the person was attacked and I got angry because I wanted to defend/save the man from struggling.’ The man was struggling because he was attacked, then I got angry and wanted defend him and I want to rid him of his plight, I wanted to free him, save him from his hurt/pain/evil attackers, wrong approach, to limit the damage.

Additional Resources:

Destonians– Chat with people from all over the world walking the Desteni process

EQAFE.com – The Library of Existence – every question answered

Desteni.org – Research and investigation of human consciousness/human nature

DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course

Desteni I Process – Life Skills & Self-Mastery Course

School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words

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