Day 591 disobedience

You don’t have to contradict me because I can’t stand that. ‘I’m the authoritative character which you should obey dude!’ Just follow-up what I need from you ‘not to be disobedient’, because when you are then I will feel disappointed.

In my previous blog ‘humiliation’ I remembering and Mention, in my experience I always did something wrong, wrong sentence, wrong memory, wrong tone, wrong look, wrong way to look at him or not look at him, the secrets of the mind.

Specific moments I was amazed and dissapointed. I felt insecure, rebellious and skeptical. Later I realized, saw and understood that his disobedience inextricably was linked to my desire that I expected obedience and respect from him.

My experience wasn’t followed up. I was longing for positive feedback instead I became The feeling that I was guilty of his behaviour being unreasonable, aggressive, behavior that showed no remorse. His behavior was condoned by my teachers. I realize that people’s behavior contains involuntaryness.

There’s no clarity that I can hold on to. I find the clarity of education earlier in my youth and of my current manager and colleague at work hypocritical because there is no clear reliable course. The manager and my colleague at work Keep each other’s hands above their heads, just like my dad did to my sister. What I miss is a clear line and agreements that give me clarity. My experience wasn’t followed up.

Later in my life I divorced because my exwife walk another direction as agreed. My father walk another direction as he told me in his education. This uncertainty and changes In reliability gave me a feeling that I can only trust what I can see. Clear guidelines. Reflecting gratefulness.

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