When sending a email message I was experiencing the energie of revenge because I was pissed. My resentment against this person, the recipient of my email, started the first day I met him. That day he came in my work environment I work in since almost 5 years. We shaked hands. Then I told him that he was welcome. We needed an additional employee, wanted to carry out the work.
This first day I was explaining him something about the protocol and the usual way of working. However, He did the opposite. He refused to obey my instruction with a smile on his face. At that moment I was amazed and dissapointed. I felt insecure, rebellious and skeptical. Later I realized, saw and understood that his disobedience inextricably was linked to my desire that I expected obedience and respect from him. My experience wasn’t followed up.
My inner dialogue is inextricably linked to memory as a result of past experiences. I am Aware of my Tendency to correct and blame others who differ from the expectations I have in mind. If someone does the opposite of my expectation then I’m pissed.
As a child I was longing for peace and calmness instead fight and physical aggression. My expectation as my experience for unconditional Support wasn’t followed up. To my Childish uncertainty and Embarrassment I have accepted the energy of aggression and correction in the form of predictable admonition and Allowed and added to my body and mind.
My teachers Instructed me that I must listen to their opinions and Obey, Without contradiction or opposition, just follow-up, listen and be careful, don’t make noises when you eat or sound when you move your chair, speak with two words ‘yes sir, yes madam thank you very much etc.’, instead the support of encouragement ‘Try and see what happens.’ I missed this support and understanding of my efforts, achievements and victories. Unfortunately, I was deprived of crucial indispensable early encouragement. After writing I get up this paragraph I stand up from my bench because I want to walk to the kitchen, not knowing why, I feel pissed and anger and in the same moment I think about a can of beer. I realize see and understand in the past I suppressed ‘feeling pissed’ with alcohol.
My pissed package is manifested by: ‘I feel resentment, frustration and anger, in relation to this person, when I think about him, Then I see images of aggressive eyes or eyes which let me think of Indifference. However, I am not responsible for the choices of other People and their process/actions/comments, because I cannot directly intervene in their choices. But the choice of my colleague, which I saw as Imperfection ‘his disobedience’ triggers my expectation and feelings ‘not listen to me what I told him.’ His imperfection in my eyes ‘not Being obedient’ Shows me my I’m pissed because he’s not following my instruction. My father didn’t follow my inner need. My mother did not follow my need for peace and safety, and she obeyed my grandfather, her father, who instructed and ordered my parents not to divorce for the sake of the children.
To forget the impact Of imperfection would be dishonest. I can write about what I want to forget, the bullshit Which I manifest, as the positive images, my expectation, but then I did not investigate My passions, demands, feelings and emotions which Constructs the ‘I’m pissed package’. Without vulnerable and honest writings, The reason for what I Call Disobedience, the imperfectly still will exist as Imperfection in my mind and one day will come back to me.
But because of my investment and stand to my dedication to invest what I have accepted and allowed myself. Because of my investment I see what really happened is my self-liking was not confirmed.
So an event has a reason because of the meaning I attribute to it. An event is determined and contains no coincidence. Casual behavior without a preconceived plan is almost impossible. Living in here requires insight into your mind views. The mind, your accepted allowance, determinations according to your views. Socially desirable behaviour is expected to curb our individual self-preference. So If I want revenge because I think this because it pops up into my mind then I have to consider where does this image, thoughts, emotions and feelings started. Insight requires us to be aware of our learned mind acceptance.
My wish that I want to feel better and that my self-liking, or the missing link about it, is noticed by other people as I have envisioned. I’m Looking for a Perfect body and Beingness Which has been negatively affected by revenge, for which I have made someone else responsible. Because I was thinking I was corrected by my colleague at work, the energy of revenge was triggered in me. After the correction I assumed, my mind was given me, I became aware of images and thoughts of a physical abuse. After the Supposed correction I was pissed because the different elements of the pissed package already existed in me as me. But what I realize see and understand is if and when I want follow the principles ‘What’s Best for all Life’ as Oneness and Equality, my pissed package needs some investment because it is manifesting inequality, as me in my mind. My self-liking Addiction experiences revenge as soon as it signals criticism or disapproval in the form of correction.
What I as reflected see is part of me. Triggert by someone in me. During my childhood I was taught how to behave and I noticed that my teachers themselves deviated from what it should be like. Because my teachers deviated from what they teaches ambiguities arose. They told me behave friendle and correct ‘don’t make to much noise’ and they bin unfriendly, jelling and fighting eachother. The input ‘Incentives’ they gave where not correct Visible as the way they responded against eachother. In Relationship with my colleague I want to take revenge on him because of this experience as mentioned with my teachers, which I accepted and allowed myself, this insecureness I will not tolerate contradictions if you deviate from what I want from you, the experience with my teachers touched in contact with my colleague.
What helps is awareness to process My self-directiveness without the impact as thoughts and energy manifested by the experiences with my teachers, the need of Selfforgiveness at the points ‘I did not get where I was longing for.’ In response to the incident with the email Message I received from my colleague, my suppressed experience was touched because of my idea ‘He’s telling me that I had to do what I did differently.’
As a child my teachers told me that what I did I should do differently instead of supporting me and try yourself and look what happens. During my time in an addiction clinic I wrote my autobiography divided over periods of seven years. Events, facts provided with my experience. I felt offended when I depended and was required to be obedient. Obeyed and at the same moment Psychological humiliated by my educator, mentor or teacher.
Will be continued in the next blog.
Destonians– Chat with people from all over the world walking the Desteni process
EQAFE.com – The Library of Existence – every question answered
Desteni.org – Research and investigation of human consciousness/human nature
DIP Lite – Free Self-Development Course
Desteni I Process – Life Skills & Self-Mastery Course
School of Ultimate Living – Life Creation through Words