I gave my attention to others from the idea to please them. My goal was to reduce ‘diminishing’ the aggressive atmosphere at home. I realize see and understand that I made myself inferior and responsible for reduce the energy of aggression to verve the atmosphere. Doing something right from the startingpoint of fearing aggression and the negative atmosphere of aggression which I (when I was a child) tried to change into calmness, into the safe and peaceful atmosphere within the environment, the context wherein I grew up and lived.
I realize see and understand that I accepted and allowed myself to change, made myself inferior and responsible for the focus at the aggressive atmosphere within the environment wherein I lived.
I realize see and understand that I tried to change the behavior of my parents so that they behaved peaceful and with understanding and calmness. Another goal was I tried to let feel others happy by decreasing there aggression. My focus was aggression is wrong, shameful bad and disrespectful. I could not speak about this with others. That there was abuse Which the atmosphere Polluted by disregard the integrity of one’s individual Beingness.
Nobody asked me to change the behavior of my parents because I was feeling responsible for. My grandparents looked away. They had high standards of decency and wanted to show that to the world. They told my parents to stay together For the sake of the children.
What impact did aggression have on me?
I associate aggression with loud noises. With disdain for integrity or individuality, Of one’s Beingness. No one asked me to change the atmosphere that was aggressive. It bothered me. I was ashamed of the aggressor’s behavior. I expected apologies, regret, responsibility for Aggressor’s aggressive actions. This aggressor in my eyes behaved annoyed, aggressively physically and verbally, indifferent and impulsive. What I wanted from the aggressor was regret and excuse and that he would appreciate and acknowledge my intention that I meant it well. I longed for unconditional appreciation for my effort what I meant as well, Spontaneously, good, nice or awesome. But I realize see and understand I tried to change aggressors behavior, I wanted to take tension out of the air, and because I thought I was an unwanted child I wanted instead of my thought that I was unwanted and not welcome. Received positive recognition and appreciation from the starting point of my inner negative feeling rejected because of my negative thinking.
In relation to an email message from a colleague I Got the idea, action email colleague, My idea represents my inner reaction ‘I am corrected’, he is correcting me. I realize that in the past I also tried to correct the aggressor. In my mind I only focused On correction, on lack, lack of coziness, Lack of silence, lack of understanding. I was claiming Recognition of the aggressor. I disdain the aggressor. I hate the aggressor. I hate his indifference. I hate his arrogance. I hate the aggressor’s impulsiveness after he flees home after physically assaulting my mother and offering no excuse after he gets home weeks later. After all I blamed myself I was responsible for the behavior and Choices of the aggressor. That I was born was unplanned. It was, I was a mistake. I was responsible for the conflict caused by me, that’s why the aggressor became Aggressive. After my colleague send me the third email message, I stopped myself to react. My other colleague printed this message which I did not read. Because I’ve achieved my goal. I ignore the sender’s need. I have achieved satisfaction out of this knowledge that I annoyed him. That I don’t allow his correction as my correction but that I am self responsible for the conflict caused by my disobedience, because my mother told me to not stay out of the bed and go6to sleep. Instead I was wearing clothes. That’s why the arguing started into aggression and more aggressive atmosphere. The agressors aggression already existed within the agressor. I blamed me being the messanger who Triggered the aggression and violence of the aggressor.
I blamed myself it was my responsibility that the agressor started his fysiek and Verbal aggression.
I blamed myself I was guilty that the aggressor abused his authority.
I blamed the agressor as my startingpoint of blame That he didn’t appreciate me.
I blamed the agressor that he did not act with calmness.
I blamed the agressor So I am meddling in his choice to which I make a negative judgment.
I blamed the agressor Who was aggressive doing things I didn’t want to do because I payed attention to them, My incomprehension grows, irritation grows, anger manifests which manifest the energy of disappointment.
I blamed the agressor Who was causing the aggressive atmosphere Which I didn’t liked because I longed for peace and calmness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I could not stand equal with the agressors aggression. If and when I blame the behavior of the agressor, then I Stop myself and Breath. I realize see and understand that I want to achieve the change of aggression into calmness and in the same moment I focus at aggression, so I allow aggression will grow and manifest more aggression.
If and when I focus on aggression, I will Stop myself and Breath. I realize see and understand that I Stop my reaction and focus on my breath or something else I like.
I realize see and understand that I wanted to verve the atmosphere from aggression into calmness, without changing my startingpoint on agressors aggression.
I realize see and understand that I was thinking it’s my responsibility to verve the aggressive atmosphere into calmness. So my startingpoint for the change was dualism.
I realize see and understand that I wanted to change my focus, my point of view of aggression into calmness without changing the influence, meaning and impact of aggression within my mind, body and Beingness.
I commit myself What I don’t like, is what triggers me inwardly, is what I manifest, I have to Stop as the startingpoint of my backchat, assumtions and thoughts or first neglect and step back and slow down and breathe.
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