During the writing proces I became aware of the fact that – ‘mostly before I was sharing something, that I allowed myself to feel afraid. This because I Based myself on my expectation: ‘if I share or ask some questions I will get critique.’ This fear exist since my questions did not bin answered. After a while, instead answered I expected before I wanted to share whatever I wanted to ask, that my question would be criticized.
In relation to this assumption, As a result of self-created fear, I started allowing myself thinking ‘my needs will be rejected and I’m not important.’ But I also realized the fact what I communicated was that my assumptions became the information as the backchat, exist as startingpoint represented as the words I spoke/speak.
In the first place I want to be understood. But at the same time, I do not want to be understood in such a way that others see what my real thoughts and feelings are, created through my assumption, which manifest my emotion ‘I was afraid and did not dare to ask what I needed.’ But what I needed was created out the information and expectation within the associated assumptions. In second place I tried to make a very pleasant ‘sociable’ impression on others to avoid negativety and criticism.
Where I was longing for that I had to made the decision I dare to speak what I want to share. But I was thinking ‘what I want to reach out I can not achieve.’ I told myself I dare not to communicate my needs which I wanted to convince and prove to others.
Now I realize see and understand I’ve gave myself permission participate into my thoughts ‘not dare to share pattern’ was born out of fear. My self fear existance started after I became aware: ‘when I share something I will receive negativity.’ In the beginning when I was first rejected I experienced embarrassment. ‘Embarrassment to express myself, shame about the way my environment treated me and guilt that there was a fight and aggression in my environment after I expressed my need.’
So I started to believe who I am is not Important. When I did something I expected critique because I am incompetent. Thinking about ‘I’m Incompetent and I’m not important made me feel useless, unwanted and unworthy.
Before I want something to share my thoughts already expecting to be criticized. So I realize see and understand that My thoughts are Equipped with criticism. That’s why my environment evaluates me negatively. Because I expect I will find criticism.
When I look at this point and allow it to be helpfull for me ‘it sounds like my environment is really pushing me to sort of ‘push’ and claim my own expression – and not be ‘pushed around.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I created a pattern in my mind: ‘I do not dare to share’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself because I was expecting to get critique or rejection I was afraid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that because I was afraid for critique I made the decision what I wanted to share I did not dare to share. If and when I’m not dare to share, I Stop myself and Breath.
I realize see and understand when I not share my inside questions or doubts then those questions and doubts get bigger.
I realize see and understand that this mind biggerness influences my body and self Beingness.
I realize see and understand that I used addictions to suppress this biggerness.
I realize see and understand that I As an addict was looking for something And during my hunt I gave up too quickly and took pleasure in replacement things.
I realize see and understand that I did not dare to share the created confusion in my mind.
I realize see and understand this confusion made me feel insecure. When I was confused and insecure I met My surrogate goals.
I realize see and understand that my Surrogate goals became my desire for surrogate nutrition. But To satisfy my hunger I Supported myself with more, more and more surrogate nutrition.
I realize see and understand that I did not dare to share my insecurities, but because of my honger to make contact with someone still existed. With some alcohol ‘nutrition’ I was feeling secure and dared to talk with that person.
I realize see and understand that my inner craving was I wish that I am not insecure – and be secure. The secure way became: ‘avoid conflict.’
I realize see and understand that I was not prepared to deliberately address the conflict situations of my life And lift it by working on it.
I realize see and understand that I’ve sedated my conflicts with alcohol.
I realize see and understand that I used alcohol to deafen my problems and mirror me a whole world without conflict.
I realize see and understand alcohol provides a kind of caricature of proximity. Wanting in the mind to eliminate and solve the difference between (distance – involvement) as it fades boundaries and inhibition differences and quickly allows for intimate contact, but lacks depth and misses obligatory/binding/committed element. The boundarie which is manifest by insecureness.
I realize see and understand that addiction is someone’s companion, someone who never blames, never criticizes, is always available and is helpful in realizing what manifest the addicts craving.
I realize see and understand that inhibition differences.
If and when ‘I do not dare to share’ I Stop myself and Breath.