Day 543 my decent way.

The way decent should be, reflects the decent look alike character in me. Which describes decent points and backchats how decent should be. In my previous blogs I realize see and understand that I want others to behave decent. But they do not know how decent ‘gained meaning?’

But first I have to investigate this points how I gained my decent meaning. For the start I guess when I Paste my gained meaning ‘as a sticker with my expectation on it to others’, then I oblige and place the other under my construction, which implies my demandingness.

But what I also realize see and understand is what happens in my mind when people are not behave decent? I have to be honest about. Then I think – harsh, rude, cruel, stern, aggressive – when someone is not behave my decent way, oeps! But I do not want to act aggressively!

I realize see and understand that is why I want to suppress negative energy. Instead that I react aggressive I act passive. In my opinion it is decent behavior ‘to not act aggressively.’

‘The consequence is that I have to suppress this aggressive energy.’ When people act not decent then I generate the energy of anger and aggression in my body. In a way I behave decent because As a child, I agreed with myself ‘I can not and I will not allow myself react aggressively.’ That’s why is act not aggressively a decent agreement for me.

I realize see and understand that I suppose and prescribes others the way I have in mind. How I feel about how decent has to be and has to go my way.

One of mine recent decent example is, at sunday morning my neighbors vacuuming their homes. In my opinion this behavior is not done. According to the rules in the rental agreement of the property I live in it also describes this Sunday morning vacuum behave as not allowed. When I read this information I interpret this as not decent behavior.

What is decently decent!

So what I want to receive from someone else is that ‘I’ve to give this first to myself.’ What I really want is decent feedback and behavior. The way my parents told me and in accordance with what they told they did differently. In fact I’m longing that people in general treat each other decent in a way they tell and agree with eachother. But let me make this smaller.

How do I treat myself. In which direction is my mind moving when I think about decent and Do I always behave decent?

‘And Who am I in the face of criticism?’ When I start walk points which I walk as a principle, then I want to achieve what’s best for All. That is also decent for me.

In accordance with the example about my parents for me It was feeling like threatened, intimidated and cornered as not decent. I was feeling ashamed about the way they behaved and treated eachother.

This thinking in terms of I am not decent – my parents behaved opposite in different situations. One time aggressively and unfriendly the other time passive and friendly. I have experienced this behavior of my parents as confusing and shameful. Disrespectful and hypocritical. Numb and hard. In addition, my parents taught me that I had to behave properly. Jan Behave yourself decent. That we don’t get any complaints.

I cornered myself as not decent because Because of the confusion I no longer knew what content decency you have to do now really meant. This thinking made me feel worthless, ashamed, I am a failure Because I could no longer distinguish the difference between decency and indecent.

But treating myself as being not decent ‘I am standing in the face of criticize myself.’

In this conception I am not able to humble myself. This is a point I have to consider.

Are you able to learn, or are you going to get stuck in arrogance? When I look at my assumption ‘Others have to behave the way I’m thinking about what is decent.’ In beliefs I have about who I am I realize that I’ll not longer defend tooth and nail.

Selfhonestly Selfforgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I act aggressively while I communicate. If and when I act aggressively, then I Stop and Breath. I realize see and understand that I do not want to act aggressively! I realize see and understand that what I want to receive from someone else ‘I’ve to commit this first to myself.’ I realize see and understand that what I really want is decent feedback and behavior. I realize see and understand that I as a child made myself the promise ‘I never want to act aggressive!’ I also realize see and understand that I saw lots of aggressiveness which I took in ‘accept and allowed’ unconsciously, and I never mistreat anyone physically but suppress my aggression and in my behavior and communication I act passively aggressive.

I commit myself that I want to Stop my mind aggressive acting points which sometimes pops up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that the way decent should be reflects the decent look alike character in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that things or persons has to be as the acceptance and allowance which as images, thoughts and backchats, as information exist in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have past my be decent rules, which describes my decent points and backchats how decent should be, on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I suggested when I think about ‘decent’ is feeling like how others have to behave the way I’m thinking about what is decent.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that ‘I Paste my gained meaning ‘as a sticker with my expectation on it to others’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I oblige and put the other under my construction, which implies my demanding requirement.

If and when I am thinking’ ‘you have to behave decent’ then I Stop myself and Breath.

I realize see and understand that I behave the way in accordance to my beliefs I have about who I am when I order some one else to behave decent. I realize see and understand that I’ll defend tooth and nail to reach the mind goal I have in mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my decent thinking also reflects my criticism when people behave otherwise then the way I think about ‘my better decent.’ If and when I am thinking my decent is better because yours is bad, then I Stop myself and Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my decent feels ‘harsh’ when I putting my decent will up to others. If and when my decent prescription reflects arrogance and feels ‘harsh’ inside, then I Stop myself and Breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I am starkly trying to hold on to my self-beliefs. If and when I am starkly hold on to my self-beliefs, then I Stop and Breath. I realize see and understand that I have to learn, how I have to be soft and malleable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I developed resentment and distrust. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I ‘unquestioningly’ accept and agree to my beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that others have to behave decent which I ‘absorbed’ like a ‘sponge’. If and when I am hold on to my strict harsh beliefs during communication with others, then I Stop and Breath.

I realize see and understand that a better metaphor would be, instead of hold on what should be decent, to be like water.

I commit myself more behave like water Because water will still retain its ‘identity’ as ‘water’ even though it is at the same time very ‘fluid’ and ‘flexible’.

I commit myself take on pollutants, because anything throw in it, but no matter how polluted water gets, it is always in a constant movement, because that is it’s ‘identity’.

I commit myself to be fluid and moving flexible. It doesn’t take offense to the ‘pollution’. It takes it in, purifies what it can, and leaves the rest.

I commit myself walk like water, which doesn’t offense to the ‘pollution’. The part in my mind which blame the parts which are not decent in my opinion. Parts from others which I was blaming and still blame. To be like Water and takes it in, Stop myself and Breath, and be like water, ‘purifies what it can’, and leaves the rest.

I commit myself that’s how I have to be with criticism. Take it in unconditionally, ‘purify’ it as in learn from it what I can, and just leave the rest as that which isn’t supportive.

Thanks Kim. Criticism only feels ‘harsh’ when you are ‘harsh’ inside. When you are starkly trying to hold on to your self-beliefs. To learn, you have to be soft and malleable. Not like a sponge lol The whole sponge metaphor is bullshit. That’s how you develop resentment and distrust, when you ‘unquestioningly’ accept and agree to things, and ‘absorb’ like a ‘sponge’.

Een gedachte over “Day 543 my decent way.

  1. Pingback: Day 544 doubt because differences. | NOW I Support Myself Proces

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