Dag 514 honestly I am honest.

I commit myself to get through my defenses, the best way I know to approach such an impasse, is by writing, wherein I slow down, vulnerably and honestly look into my mind finding the starting point of manifestation. In general face the things I have problems with.

So by writing I create an honest mind because of the self forgiveness. I ask myself which truth do I find behind my accepted and allowed mind scenario’s?

Some days I participate in postponement behavior. I And than I manifest fear of the other person’s reaction. Than In general I make the decision avoiding contact with people in a specific situation, I think perhaps of their authority they will ignore me.

I realize see and understand that I participate into the Character Procrastination and its specific behavior.

And because of my accepted thoughts and mind pictures, which pops-up in my Consciousness wherein I manifest fear for the negative reaction of the other person.

Than I allow myself that I will find excuses. Such as ‘Tomorrow I will go to the dentist. Making an appointment for treatment of my teeth’. The next day I think the same.

Or, ‘Tomorrow I don’t will be going to my work – an realization pops up: I make this decision in my mind and there is the image of a can of beer -. Because I do not feel wel of the circumstances the workplace environment wherein I see my colleagues walking around, wherein I come tomorrow and because I do not know how my colleagues will react.

This because ot the situation in my mind which I already created I already have a picture which tells me ‘I know how they will react’. In contrast to the reality of tomorrow at work, the image in my mind, in which I will be viewed with unbelieving and angry eyes. But in fact I do not really know how they actually will respond. Unbelieving and angry eyes which tells me ‘you are dishonest’ tells me I stay at home. After this dishonest decision and after open up the can of beer I start drinking the beer.

I am dishonest because I fake illness, and when I tell my colleagues that I have accepted that I fakes my story, the next thought popped up in my head, because I am dishonest I will disappoint my colleagues.

My parents always told me ‘never lie’. I remember now, Instead of being honest they not always act honest. Sometimes they used a lie for goodwill. In Dutch we call it ‘een leugentje om best wil’.

Now I writing my doubts down I remember those tellings my parents told me. There story as the value of their raise me up Cornerstones. Into their methodology was the checkpoint to control my behavior ‘always be honest’. But my parents did not showed me honesty at all. The showed me the hypocriet character. The character which I participate in when thinking ‘I don’t go, I do not, going to work tomorrow and instead going to work I fake illness and a fake story.

But because I was afraid of the reactions from my parents, in moments wherein I wanted to tell the truth, I not always told where I was longing for. What I was doing after school. When I feels lonely. My fear because I was already afraid for the night’s wherein they where fighting each other. The fear of telling the truth became my Fear Character.

And therefore I am never sure if someone else is willing to tell me the truth during a relationship or communication at work. I doubt what people tell me.

I am suspicious because I have not experienced the meaning of genuine honesty. Because of the eyes of anger and the disbelief I created in my mind when I was telling something that people (I should trust) start laughing. So in moments where I had to be honest and people looked with angry eyes or start laughing I no longer felt safe. I created fear in moments wherein I had to tell the truth and wanted to be honest.

I realize see and understand that few things are worse than being caught on a lie, being known as a liar and therefore not trusted. Not trusted, not trusting myself telling the truth.

Next blog self forgiveness at this post.

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