Habitual, a ritual, having a habit of doing, being something: So I realize I was a habitual drunkard.
I did my habit, act as an tendency do the same things, things/drinks, things sounds like drinks lol, act what was done a long time before, over and over again.
Typical achievements of the drunkard player, playing and replaying, acting as an ice cube, replays as frozen-ness, moves around in me as me, in the always changing reality in Here, wich exist as the ice cube, one will prevent, act-as physical in Here-ness, existing every breath-in and outbreath, in me as me exist as oneness and equility, exist as me as equility and oneness, whats best for all Life.
The drunkard frozen image existence first time observed saw in the cafe of my parents, looking at the alcohol drinking ritual of the café visitors combined with cigarette smoking became a fascinating ritual to me. I’m also playing billiards with them. After winning a game, my mother gave me my first beer. Proud I was celebrated my victory with few beers and smokes at the age of fourteen. So this experience of pride and victory I-related with the enjoy I saw in the eyes of visitors while smoking there smokes and drinking beers, experience became ritual meaning in my mind such as enjoying, rejoice, to be happy, to be proud of me as me in me by drinking beers and smoking smokes.My fascination drink beers and smoke cigarettes became a tought and memory and, an logical automatic behave when visisting a bar, playing biljart game, have fun and external attention and admiration from the plaudit visitors. In a way this ritual combination awareness made me stronger, stronger and more valuable within my because of this intoxication.
The ritual became my defence against critic when I was thinking that someone’s accusing me, and felt this way when someone criticize my behave, I realize, it’s me the mind one in me, resonate with the critical voltage as me in me. The easy way,
anesthetize myself and eliminate my negative critic with alcohol and cigarettes, became a way of act. Felt negative, simply used my anesthesia as negative emotions popped-up. Later on alcohol became my friend. I used him more and more to support and assist me when felt bad. This bad sense became my addiction.
Also, to assist and support myself, in one proces of walking out of the mind and into the physical, is to start moving my attention during my day-to-day drink alcohol activities, from my mind thoughts into the physical, honest, it took some periode of time.
First I blamed my drinking and therefore I felt a shamed and because of this shame tension in myself, I felt irritation together with thoughts that I had ruined my life, I felt more irritation and also fair seclude in myself when visiting friends, So I stopt no longer seeing them, isolate myself and felt more fair.
Felt more fair because thinking around all day about the mistakes and fair, accumulate fair in me as me, and thus greater fear of the big bad world
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that my bad sense became my addiction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that my bad sense befriended alcohol became a way of live as me in me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from my mind-consciousness fear system existence, and in that separation, had given it the power to take over/have control, influence, as the fair directive-principle in me as me over and of me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear towards my thoughts, and in that fear, not realizing, seeing, and understanding that in accepting and allowing that very fear, to exist, I am abdicating my responsibility of being the directive principle of and as my thoughts that are, in-fact me. So as a matter of fact the fair is me as me.
So I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself exist, during a longer period, as fair, used alcohol to suppress and deny anxiety, the fair exist disappeared by the influence of alcohol, After I woke up, fear, anxiety and scare looked me in the eyes, while the existens of my mind race thoughts popping-up again
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be here, in my physical, directing me as me, and taking responsibility for me as me, and my living, but have given that responsibility to my mind, to thoughts, and to energy
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to use my responsibility instead allow my mind to run away from me as me as my directive physical principle, support by my friend and buddy alcohol which masked my mind influence for a night
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not releasing that relationship that I developed towards my mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to directive and support my mind with drinking alcohol, assist my fear with/by the acceptance and allowence of my alcohol abuse, instead walking my fear
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for a long periode of time participate in the pratically physically habitual drunkard, physically exist as the mind pratically physically habitual drunkard within me as me
In next blog will explaine why it’s important see and be aware of this character….