When I was young I watched my father and mother most of the time arguing. They were unkind to each other. Even in the presence of others they were focused on their discontent and pedantic mind behavior.
Not showing proper respect; rude, impertinent bahaviour at the table when eating dinner. Without shame. In front of the guests. Despite the request for decent behaviour.
I felt ashamed and qualm instead solidarity and respect for the visitors/guests, my mother, my little brother, my younger sister and me, his eldest son. Mij father behave rude and selfish. I was thinking why was my mother not able enough to correct his behavior or redirect it so he was nice and cozy.
I was afraid for his unpredictable outbursts. In the presence of friends or family i felt ashamed and uncertain for his/this contradictory behave.
He has preached me decency. Instead this my father was insensitive, where his mother was insitive to him. This I heard from my mother when I got older. As a child I was constantly premeditated, preplanned and calculated inside my natural physical behavior.
So, now I know, that It was me that accepted and allowed myself this way of looking around, observing and interpretative, just serving my world and reality with words, feelings, emotions and thoughts, in one word called not the mind, but my mind.
My responsibility, fear, anger, disappointment, expectation, assumptions, beliefs, patterns, cruel but also excited, happy, open-minded and hopeful. In this capacity, Ik have accepted ans allowed this mind construct, to drive me around in my world and reality during my journey. interpreted and accepted as such allowed, by myself. Not my father, mother, brother or sister. Not them but me the one the only one, which in the realization was involved in this information battery.
Which I accepted and allowed myself ‘crying around like a baby, jelling I’m depending on the situation or person, because in response to them.
Just in case I have decided myself, that I decided here from information tapped ‘to shoot back’ with the same frustration and irritation with which I have the physique of my surroundings smeared with the same mud that I have disgusted and puked on.
The place whence I puked my father, mother, brother, sister and others devalued them to my mind frustration where from my firing patterns came and come.
I forgive myself that I’m the one ho has accepted and allowed myself from out the blame game character ‘The Mister Came Come Blame Game frustealizations type a person’, that this mind character allowed me to puked on people’s physically and all the other live oneness and equality awareness.